"Mrs. Fields gave her daughter a hot-water bottle, or so she said--and so Jenny assumed; she never opened the packages."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
Today, I skipped class to study. I ate breakfast and took my time. I may not have done much, but I feel like it was time better spent than sitting in class. CTO review was helpful and HAE with Dr. Fabricant was fun. I liked drawing the heart on the board. I was really nervous - I started to shake. It's so embarrassing, but hopefully it was not too noticeable. Then I went to the gym and then to the HAE review hosted by the second years. Super helpful, I feel ok about what I know - there is still a lot to go over, but at least I don't feel too behind. There is still time. I had a beer with Wesley and Robert before they went to a concert with Sergey. Sipping on mint green tea now, I wonder how long I am going to last with my life like this...

I kind of like the pain though.

Sometimes I wonder about the concept of intention. Wanting to be there for someone is a nice thought, but actually being there for someone is a whole other story. It means a lot more.
---
Her mother would say, "Dear, do you still have that hot-water bottle I gave you?" And Jenny would think a minute, believing she had left it on the train or thrown it away, and she'd say, "I may have lost it, Mother, but I'm sure I don't need another one."

"There was a Fields line of nursing shoe, and Mr. Fields gave his daughter a free pair whenever she came home; Jenny must have had a dozen pairs."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today, Paul and I walked from the student lounge outside and had a gloomy storm cloud hover over us as the sun shone in the not-so-distant sky. We could see the rain fall through the rays of sun. Really beautiful - it reminded me that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

I still miss my Peanut Butter.

Marco proposed to Allie, and she accepted! Congratulations!!!!

I also need to learn how to not take the way people talk so seriously - in a good or bad way. Some people are just too charming for their own good. Other people need to talk to feel heard.

---

"Mrs. Fields, who insisted on equating her daughter's leaving Wellesley with a sordid future, also gave Jenny a present every time she came home."

"The billboard towered above the railroad yard and was reflected in countless miniatures in the windows of the shoe plant."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
I met my Physicians for Human Rights mentor today at DHMC. He has started an international chain of clinical trials as well as co-founded a pediatrics AIDS clinic in Tanzania. No big deal - another day at the job. It is so inspiring to be surrounded by such accomplished people. I bonded with Brittany on our way back and talked about global health opportunities for the summer. I finally caught up with my friend, and we were reminded about the delicacies of life. Staying in our rooms studying for tests seem so meaningless compared to going out in the world to love, learn from, and connect with people. However, to become a physician and to actually make a difference in lives require the mundane study habits from us. It is hard not to feel like a small mosquito in a large pond. The issues at hand are so vast, especially with life and death issues approaching us as we age, and we find more reasons to worry about loved ones.

"Babe, you've been on my mind.
Even though my mind is hazy and my thoughts,
they might be narrow,
Where you been?
Don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter to me where you're waking up tomorrow.
Babe, you've been on my mind.
When you wake up in the morning, baby,
Look inside your mirror,
You know I won't be next to you.
You know I won't be near.
I'll just be curious to know if you can see yourself
as clear as someone who has had you on his mind."
-Bob Dylan

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"Beneath this menacing, advancing foot were the words:
FIELDS for your foot in the factory or in the fields!"

"This complied with the wishes of the senior Mr. Fields, who admitted that the ugliest scenery lay out that side of the train, but he felt that all Fieldses should be forced to face the grimy source of their independence and higher life."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Last night my friend and I got into a spat. We missed a chance to talk, and I took it personally. In Psych 101, we learn that we are egocentric: how when people are rude to us, we think that it says something about their character, but when we are rude to others, we think that others should understand that maybe we're just having a bad day. For that, I apologize. I forget that sometimes. I forget that I feel the same things you feel and vice versa. I should understand that maybe you are just having a bad day, lost track of time, or whatever your reasons... and objectively, I do. I'm just selfish sometimes and want things when I expect them... like when I expected to talk to you :(

I also would like to apologize for my defensive judgments on people I assume will be judgmental because of a label with which they identify. Just because you are defined as something that extremists and racists have given a bad name does not necessarily mean you are the same. I should not assume that you are.

Please forgive me as I learn to let go of past grudges.
---
"On the right hand side of the train, leaving Boston, and on the left as you returned, you passed the main Fields Factory Outlet in Haverhill, and the vast billboard with the huge work shoe taking a firm step toward you."

"Jenny frequently met her brothers at the North Station and rode home on the train with them."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today I woke up without the alarm clock. I took my time getting up and ate a hearty breakfast of sauteed spinach with eggs easy over on a slice of whole wheat toast whilst sipping hot black tea. I studied some respiratory physiology before going to the Green to do some reading. It was so nice to have the sun on my face. I think fall is my favorite season, and it may entirely have to do with the changing foliage in New England. At 4, I went to the gym and then made dinner: mango and spinach in coconut rice with a thermos of mint green tea. It was pretty good for a spontaneous concoction. I received an unexpected e-mail and it made me smile from ear to ear. More of me does not want to know, but there is always a little part of me that wishes I can hear what people are thinking.

I wonder how I can finish the mountain of lectures and notes I have yet to look over and over again. After reading some overdue On Doc articles, there is a quote by Norman Rockwell, 

"Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it."

and it reminds me to turn off the music, close the facebook window and try to figure out what in the world is going on with this lateral and longitudinal folding in embryology. 

---

"As all members of the Fields family were bidden to do, they rode home on the right-hand side of the Boston and Maine when the train left Boston and sat on the left when they returned."

"They lived in a large, shingled house on the New Hampshire shore at Dog's Head Harbor."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today was a beautiful day. It marked the beginning of so many things that already started, but more officially. The Dartmouth Medical School Class of 2014 received official DMS embroidered white coats today. We read our mission statement (it's on my refrigerator...) and walked up to slip into our coats and to shake the hands of our professors and mentors, signed the mission statement on a table with a cute pumpkin, and shook the hand of Dr. C. Everett Coop, the former Surgeon General who is now at DMS. We took a group picture and proceeded to Goldstein Hall for finger foods and photos. Kenny played nice and took pictures while I scaled back the amount of photos I would have taken (we're all about compromise here). It was sad not to be with Dave, Vi, and Sean on this day, but I am so thankful for Kenny and Wesley who did come to support. To know that people support me and wanted to be present is a good feeling. To know that someone will be there for me, last minute just so I would not be alone, is an even better feeling.

I took a three hour nap today... I think it is silly to study so hard to heal others and not be able to keep myself healthy.
---
"Jenny went home for her days and nights off--mainly to please her mother, and to convince the grande dame that although jenny was 'slumming her life away as a nurse,' as her mother remarked, she was not developing slovenly habits in her speech or in her moral person."

"The Fields' family fortune was in shoes, through Mrs. Fields, a former Boston Weeks, had brought some money of her own to the marriage."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

I finally feel RELIEF. After getting such average grades (at least I have been passing), I finally get the second one that validates the time that I have studied. It feels SO GOOD. I cannot begin to describe the happiness I feel... I hope it is not short-lived.

On another note, we JUST had the quiz on Monday and I feel overwhelmingly overwhelmed. I will say though: don't you love how ligamentum arteriosum reminds you of wingardium leviosa from Harry Potter? Dave, Vi and Sean are not coming after all, but Peanut's recovery is more important. I could not imagine my life without him. At least Kenny was willing to take a five-hour bus ride here and attend the White Coat Ceremony tomorrow morning. My family is amazing. :)

After working out, it is time to take a nap.
---
"The Fields family had managed well enough with footwear to have removed themselves from the shoes factories years ago."