gluconeogenesis.

Sometimes I feel that I am too honest with my feelings. For the next three weeks, I'm going to shut up and stay in my room to study. Except for tonight. And tomorrow for Glee. And Wednesday for possible dinner at Molly's. And Friday for the parties hosted by Student Council and my housemates. Then, I'm going to shut up and stay in my room to study.

Hanukkah Ball tonight at Hanover Inn 8-11, free open bar!

Happy Birthday Cindy!

Today I woke up without the alarm clock and got ready to go into NYC. I packed all my things and got my new running sneakers on (to break them in and to take up less space) to depart TR for Hanover. This time around, I remembered to bring my retainer and thought about my first and last surgery, which was at the dentist's. He had implanted a crown (I was born without an adult tooth and the baby was coming out) but it didn't fit perfectly. He started to file down the tooth complimentary to the fake one, which I didn't want. I flinched but he only asked if I was hurt. I said no, but was unable to tell him that I wanted him to stop destroying my tooth. My dentist had no idea that I didn't want him to file down my tooth to make the implant fit into my bite. He never asked what I wanted. I feel that as a doctor, as a lawyer, or as any person working with a consumer, you need to ask what that person's priorities are. I have ignored his e-mail reminders to come in for teeth cleanings and check ups. I just resent the fact that I never spoke my mind and that he never made me comfortable enough to tell him how I felt.

I guess, it was a good example of miscommunication leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

Lately, I have been trying to say exactly how I feel in the moment. I like holding people responsible for their actions and would like to be held responsible for mine. It is nice to say what you feel without worrying about how you'll be perceived because you know these people only have the best intentions for you.

Roadtripping with Amit was awesome. I don't even remember what we talked about (mostly how much we love and miss NYC I think), but time flew by as we flew by the surrounding scenery.

"It is said that the Dragon Warrior can go for months without eating, surviving on the dew of a single ginko leaf and the energy of the universe."

-Tigress, Kung Fu Panda

Last night after Dave and Vi left for Philly, I napped from 10:30 p until 2:15 am to go BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING!! Fut and Pam picked me up and we ran amok Toms River. From Kohl's at 2:30 to TARGET at 3:30 and then the OC mall at 5. I bought a lot of presents, so obviously I cannot say what hehe. We went back to Futty's and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding before drifting asleep. We woke at up 10 because Pam had to go to PT and then I fell back asleep until noon to half of a McDonald's breakfast waiting for me. :)

Then, an hour later, Mrs. B made us a grand Filipino lunch and I ate my second meal. We played with Zoe while Alan learned how to play Staind's Zoe Jane. So amazing. After eating Pam's chocolate chip cake with almond cannoli frosting, I went home and had some apple pie. haha, glutinous! Because, then I had some clementines and leftovers from last night's dinner... all before going to dinner with Amy, Christine and Ashley at Red Lobster. While they ordered their beautiful appetizers and entrees, I got a cup of coffee. I need to stop eating so much! But girl talk with them is the best - I can't believe I've known these people for over ten years. You guys are family <3

Yesterday I left Jess's place and walked up to NYU Med to donate blood. I'll always have a special place in my heart for the blood donation center there. Actually, just for the hard-ass blond lady who cracks a smile every once in awhile. I went up to 41st and Park to meet up with Kenny at his firm for lunch. We went to O Cafe on 40th and Lex (I think) and I got a mesclun salad with beets, mushrooms, feta, olives, tomato and egg whites. We chatted about his gf, work, and NY while I contributed to the conversation with medical school and living in ruralism. Then I went to Union Square and met up with Ken and we walked around while he let me hold onto his arm whilst I was feeling woozy from the blood donation. There is always good conversation about music, movies and other miscellaneous things with him. Then, we went to the Community Lab event at Skirball about racial profiling for a hot second to pick up my comped tickets from Phi and to say hi. Always a pleasure to see you, Pheebs. Then I met up with Emily and we went back to our old apartment. I met her new roommates and we just chatted before falling asleep in her bed. I miss living in Manhattan. More importantly, I miss living with Emily in Manhattan.

Today, I woke up and watched Glee before heading up to the Cosi on 8th Street to hang out with Natalie and Jorge. I saw JESS there coincidentally, and it was awesome because I had just seen her the morning before. We went back to Jorge's office, and Natalie, Jorge, Liam, Marcos and I chatted a long while before I went to meet Steph. We went to Starbucks on Astor until I went to meet Florine at Boka's on St. Marks for drinks. I was not satisfied with the service. NOT ONE BIT. Anyway, we parted ways before I met up with Parrish at the Starbucks on Astor! haha there again... and I got to catch up with my little freshman who is now a junior! Crazy. It's always nice to hear about people doing well :)

Now I am off to Jordan's for book club before getting on the bus to my home. My goodness, I have missed my family (while they have been running around in the Southern Californian sunshine without me!!!).

"The times are a-changin'..."

-Bob Dylan

Waking up Saturday morning was difficult. It was the morning after going to a third year party with Erin, Chris, Kenoma, and Justin, which was entertaining after Ryan came and after I started talking to Chelsea. Chris drove me home and Robert, Wes, Danny, Phil, Andrew and their other friend came home from Murphy's shortly after to spend some QT together. As I got ready to walk to the Hanover Inn, Wes was leaving and offered to drive me and we greeted the three guys crashing in our living room before leaving. I arrived to see Omar and Brittany at the station and we all chatted. Justin joined the bus in Lebanon, and we arrived in Boston two hours later. Justin and I got some food at D'Angelo's. I ordered a vegetable quesadilla and a New England clam chowder. Then arriving in New York, I met up with Kenny and we went to Bar Basque on 6th Ave and 30th Street. The mood was swanky and I enjoyed the vino rojo that that bartender recommended. Kenny had scotch, per usual. We ordered tapas and they were delicious, though I don't know if I would ever willingly pay $6.50 for a bite of fish. The bathrooms were black, red and chrome... something like out of an Iron Man movie. Then, I hopped on the PATH to Newark and hung out with Savita and Meera for the first time since my birthday party. We had dinner at Sushi Palace with Saad and then went back to Savita's apartment to talk in bed. It was so easy. I miss them on the daily.

Sunday morning, we got driven back to Newark Penn. I arrived in the city at 10 am. I went to Starbucks (Hanover doesn't have a legit Starbucks....) and then met up with Liz in SoHo. We walked up to Bleecker and Laf to have brunch at the NoHo Star. I ordered the Idaho breakfast: two eggs (sunnyside up), toast, potato pancakes and a side of fresh greens (in replacement of the sausage). Then we meandered around SoHo after Liz got her own cup of coffee. I was pleasantly surprised to discover she also puts cinnamon in her coffee! :) We walked around until my Apple Genius Bar appointment at 1 and got new headphones because mine ceased to work. We meandered up to Washington Square and NYU to FIND OUT THAT THE CONSTRUCTION AT WARREN WEAVER HALL IS DONE in addition to DASHING DIVA, JOHNNY ROCKETS, AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF STORES AND RESTAURANTS HAVE CLOSED. We continued walking until we reached the West Village where we went to Yogurtland off Bleecker and Morton somewhere and FOUND OUT IT WAS UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT after Liz bought some stuff at American Apparel. Sad. I got some pumpkin and strawberry froyo with a dusting of graham cracker and blueberries. Then, we walked to Union Square to check out the holiday market. I FOUND OUT THAT THE V HAS BEEN REPLACED BY THE M AS WE WALKED BY THE 14TH ST/7TH AVE SUBWAY STATION. After that, we went to Barnes and Nobles so I could check out the book for Book Club. Love is a Four-Letter Word did not seem very good... so we browsed through Post Secrets: Life, Death and God. So amazing. Then she met up with her boyfriend and I met up with Jess at Stern. At 6:30, I headed to the 8th Street/Broadway uptown NRQ (NOT W, which HAS STOPPED RUNNING) station. Ken met me at the stop and we walked around Williamsburg until we went back to the apartment to watch TiMER and eat the chocolate peanut butter cookies he made. Both were perfect. At 10ish, I headed back into the city and went to Jess's apartment and chilled out over girl talk, the conversation - not the music. At least spending time with these people feel the same; I'm grateful for this constant.

"'Both,' Garp wrote, 'were of the opinion that the practice of law was vulgar, but the study of if was sublime."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

[7:17 am] IT IS SNOWING.

In 43 minutes: Physio. Me. The last round.

I hope we can co-exist...

[10:43 am] I AM DONE. I AM DONE. I AM DONE. I hope I passed. Let the vegging out and sleep compensation begin!

[a little bit later than that] I just got the best e-mail of the semester. All my fears have been vanquished and it is all due to one man and his incredible support despite my desperate attempts to succeed.

Jocelyn came over and we hung out for a bit before Chris drove her to Harry Potter. Dinner with Robert, Wes, Dan and Jonathon was a good time. We had potatoes and spinach and the boys had chicken whilst sipping on an assortment of beers. Dan drove me to Wendy's and we got FROSTIES. It was awesome.
---
"They were not so comforting when they came.
'Break your mother's heart,' said one.
'If you'd only stayed at Wellesley,' said the other.
'A girl alone has to protect herself,' Jenny said. 'What could be more proper?'"

"'That's a real mean little weapon, honey,' a third told her. 'You shouldn't carry something like that around with you. That's asking for trouble.'"

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Thanksgiving break, you couldn't have come sooner.
Friday. alcohol.
Saturday. NYC with Justin. Ken?
Sunday. Jess?
Monday. Emily.
Tuesday. Book club. NJ.
Wednesday. HOME.
Thursday. Thanksgiving.
Friday. Shopping.
Saturday. Sleep.
Sunday. Hanover.

"You can count on me like 1 2 3
I'll be there
And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4 3 2
And you'll be there"
 -Bruno Mars

---
"So Jenny waited for her brothers to clear things up. They were law school men from Cambridge, across the river. One was a law school, the other one taught in the law school."

"'You been dating this guy long?' the first one asked her, en route to the precinct station."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

on repeat: Gwyneth Paltrow's cameo on Glee

So last night, I didn't go out to eat, Tessa offered to drive me home and we talked about some non-medical school related things, which was a delight. I had a veggie burger with spinach and rice before walking back to school to catch some UV light from the SAD lamp and then studying with Keith in the conference room about the abdomen. He drove me home. This morning, I studied some embryology with Nick at Umpleby's (unlimited coffee refills!) before I went to DHMC to meet with Dr. Bartlett. We had a good time talking about respiratory physiology - something I kind of remember. Then I went to the 7th floor conference room with Menaka, Yike, Ken and David. It was a lot of fun with them, I hope we spend more time together. Then, Menaka just drove me home as we pseudo-studied the embryology of the UG system.

Don't you just hate when you can't articulate the words you want to say without seeming too revealing of something - one way or another. On the one hand, if you tell the truth, you can just end up flat on your face. If you lie by omission, you will never really know if things would have gone your way. But at the end of the day - you won't really know until you try, will you?
---
"And another one asked her, later, 'But how did you know he was going to attack you? He says he was just trying to introduce himself."

"Someone was a nurse, and she went to lend what assistance she could."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

CTO DONE.
I confused the ductus deferens with the epidydimis on the slide. There were no pseudostratified columnar cells to be seen, but I just saw the three muscles of the dd and thought of the latter.  Oh well, at least I got the colon one right. I went for a quick run but felt guilty not to be studying so I went home to eat lunch and read CV physiology.

PHYSIO AND ANATOMY LEFT... I may join Derek, Joe and Ilya for dinner at Salt Hill. But there is so much anatomy to learn... so many muscles and nerves and blood vessels...

Round 3: Human Anatomy and Embryology, Thursday 8 am.
---
"When the soldier saw her, he fainted; it was not really from loss of blood. Jenny knew how facial wounds bled; they were deceptive. The deeper gash on his arm was of course in need of immediate attention, but the solider was not bleeding to death. No one but Jenny seemed to know that--there was so much blood, and so much of it was on her white nurse's uniform. They quickly realized she had done it. The theater lackeys would not let her touch the fainted soldier, and someone took her purse from her. The mad nurse! The crazed slasher! Jenny Fields was calm. She thought it was only a matter of waiting for the true authorities to comprehend the situation. But the police were not very nice to her either."

"Jenny wiped her scalpel on the movie seat, returned it to her purse, and covered the blade with the thermometer cap."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Biochem donneeeee around 10 am. I had a bagel with cream cheese, supplied by the department. I also snacked on an apple and banana throughout the test. I went to the anatomy lab before going to the HAE office take practice quizzes for CTO and HAE. Then I went to the CTO lab with Menaka and looked at slides. There are so many... After eating my heart's content in chocolate and looking at slides, I went home to have some macaroni and cheese with tuna and spinach. SO GOOD. I had so much food today... I am so excited to finally go for a run tomorrow for the first time in a long long time.

THESE SLIDES ALL LOOK THE SAME.
Round 2: cto/histology... 8 am.
---
"Then she went to the lobby, where keen wailings could be heard and the manager was calling through the lobby doors over the dark audience, 'Is there a doctor here? Please! Is someone a doctor?'"

"Crying, on all fours, the soldier groped his way to the theater aisle and headed toward the safety of the light in the lobby."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today I opened my backdoor and enjoyed the brisk fall day. And then closed it promptly to resume studying. I woke up like an icicle and went downstairs to set up camp in my living room with the more energy-efficient propane gas heater blasting, since that's the one we turn on anyway. I had whole wheat toast with butter and jelly and an activia yogurt for breakfast. For lunch, I had macaroni and blue cheese with tuna and spinach mixed in. For dinner, I had soup and some of Robert's calzones. I also caught up on Grey's Anatomy and with Meera, Savita and Ashley at different times. That was the extent of my day...

I miss talking about non-medical school related things.

Round 1: biochem, 8 am.
---
"Someone else in the theater was whimpering, in fright."

"The soldier screamed."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

-"SERGEY - HOW WILL I EVER LEARN ALL OF THIS TO PASS??!!?!?"
-"You're going to pass. You have so little fun, that I'm not even worried. If you were having fun, I would be like, 'dude, you should study.'"

The perks of living with non-medical school students. They keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Today, my cousin Tony is getting married. The sun is shining. There are abundant opportunities to seize the day! However, I am not witnessing holy matrimony or catching some rays or seizing any opportunities. I am sitting in my house, studying epigenetics and histology and dabbling in some anatomy. I don't know who Randy Travis is, but I am glad he drinks cold beer. AND PHYSIOLOGY? I think I have forgotten what that is.. but because it is on Friday, I haven't even begun to look at it. One day at a time...

Ah, Robert is one of my favorites, too. He always helps me study muscle charts for anatomy and makes kickass food (with my vegetarianism in mind, too). He's just genuinely a good person. This morning, he was worried about my bloody phlegm and offered to drive me somewhere if I needed to see a doctor. Then, he invited me to go to Molly's with him and his dept tonight. When I was debating whether or not I should leave Friday night vs. Saturday, he said that I should stay an extra night so we roomies could all hang out. The roommate situation is awesome, indeed.

Haha, Ryan G. makes medical school so much better:

---
"On his feet and falling back, he swiped at Jenny's head with his uncut arm, boxing her ear so sharply that her head sang. She pawed at him with the scalpel, removing a piece of his upper lip the approximate shape and thinness of a thumbnail. ('I was not trying to slash his throat,' she told the police, later. 'I was trying to cut his nose off, but I missed.')"

"'Oh, come on,' the soldier moaned, and his hand shot quickly under her uniform; he found her thighs locked together--he found his whole arm, from his shoulder to his wrist, suddenly sliced open like a soft melon."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
(note: This is just the continuation of quotation from the book, I am not thinking these thoughts... nor using them as a representation of what I'm feeling...)
Yesterday was productive, kind of. I had woken up and gone to CTO lab to learn about the histology of the male reproductive system. Then I went to Dirt Cowboy to meet up with Nick and Ashley for a bit since we didn't have On Doc (it is postponed until further notice). I had a coffee with milk and a long almond biscotti that I dunked. Yum. Then I went to DHMC to meet up with Dr. Bartlett. He is really awesome and kind. Then I went to HAE lab to re-learn the back and upper extremity with June, Kai, Jyothi and Jeanie. It was productive with them, really thorough and engaging, too. Then I went to retake some CTO quizzes and then went home smelling of paraformaldehyde. I showered and passed out for a couple of hours before resuming my studies. I did not get through as much as I had hoped, but there is only so much time in a day - and I am going to start putting my sleep as a priority.

I'm taking deep breaths and taking one day at a time.

---
"Henny had cut cleanly through his insignia and his shirt, cleanly through his skin and muscles, baring his bones at the joint of his elbow. ('If I'd wanted to kill him,' she told the polic, later, 'I'd have slit his wrist. I'm a nurse. I know how people bleed.')"

"'My mother, Garp, wrote, went through her life on the lookout for purse-snatchers and snatch-snatchers.'"

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

You can do it.

...and you will next week.

Don't compare yourself to anyone and do what works for you. (Q, you really can.)

---
"In the theater, it was not her purse that the soldier wanted. He touched her knee. Jenny spoke up fairly clearly. 'Get your stinking hand off me,' she said. Several people turned around."

"It was this cap she removed when the soldier moved into the seat beside her and stretched his arm along the armrest they were (absurdly) meant to share."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
Quiz 6 done.
I love how some people can take one look at you know what you need. Like today - with come hither hand gestures and a big hug. That makes me happy. I then went to the gym and ran a few laps. Sleep deprivation kept me at a slow pace but at least I finished my workout.

Around noon, I met up with Nicole at Umpleby's for lunch - the french onion soup is so good! Her house salad looked yummy, too - I love small cafes and good company - but when you put them TOGETHER??! Amazing. Nicole, you have so many great qualities I admire, especially your sense of optimism and happiness despite it being an imperfect world.

Then, I went to class and afterward, sat in front of the SAD lamp for 20 minutes. Eventually, I went with Chris, Paul and Regina to our last dance class! I loved seeing everyone dressed up - all dancing to songs ranging from classical foxtrot to Lady Antebellum's Need You Now.
---
"His long hand dangled off the end of the armrest; it twitched like the flank of a horse shuddering the flies away. Jenny kept her hand on the scalpel inside her purse; with her other hand, she held the purse tightly in her white lap. She was imagining that her nurse's uniform shone like a holy shield, and for her some perverse reason this vermin beside her had been attracted by her light."

"At first it had slashed up the little silk pockets of her purse."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today, I basically learned CTO (histology) for the first time today while sipping day old coffee. It was overwhelming, but with combined efforts of gchats and texts, I think I figured most of it out. Thanks guys :)

I am so glad I live with the guys I live with. Last night, Wes and I chatted about random things over an Oktoberfest beer each. And then today, he played me guitar - alternating from easy listening to heavy metal - which definitely reminded me to smell the roses. I wish I took my mother's desire for me to learn piano more seriously. Music and dance mesmerize me. It fixes me a lot of the time.

I went to the gym and forgot my ID so I ran laps around the indoor track. 13 laps make up a mile, and in my mind, I collected a card until I completed the whole deck. I cannot run on a treadmill because I get bored, and running on the Hanover hills outside intimidates me... I never thought about running on a flat track. It was the perfect balance; I especially loved watching the volleyball players on the tier below me. The entire time I was wondering why I would run around an ellipse 52 times, but then I counter-thought that stopping was possible at any point. In the larger scheme of things, when things get too hard, you can stop at any point. We are where we are because we want to be. We are privileged to be sweating over each step as we run or each difficult concept as we learn; we are doing these things because we choose to do it. I take my freewill for granted sometimes.

At the end of whatever difficult journey, we can be proud we finished what we started doing. But, we don't have to if we don't want to. Sometimes, it takes a lot of strength to leave than it does to stay. To be on a path is a lot safer than to change course once you realize you are not going where you want to go. I commend those who risk the unknown.

When I left, I ran into Johann as he was coming and Nick as he was going. We took a moment to appreciate the orange and pink glow of the sunset. Then Nick and I walked the other way to see the pink and blue horizon on the other side, enveloping us as if we were in a snowglobe. Take a deep breath: if it doesn't go as planned, at least you can always count on another sunset.
---
"Then she had found an old thermometer container that had slipped over the head of the scalpel, capping it like a fountain pen."

"'My mother', Garp wrote, 'was not romantically inclined.'"

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

I tried to sleep in, but I woke up in the middle of the night for micturition. I couldn't sleep well after that, but I just made myself a delicious breakfast with toast, eggs, spinach, and gouda. On one slice of toast, I also put peanut butter and grape jelly - as a yummy dessert. I'm looking at this novel in desperate want of reading it... or www.abc.com to catch up on the past three Grey's Anatomy episodes. Maybe I can do it as a break later, but for now I must learn about cancer, the pelvis and perineum, and a whole bunch of cells that all look the same to me. We just have to keep going - we can do this. Let us make ourselves bigger than what we thought we could be.

"If there is dissatisfaction with the status quo, good. If there is ferment, so much the better. If there is restlessness, I am pleased. Then let there be ideas, and hard thought, and hard work. If man feels small, let man make himself bigger. "
-Hubert Humphrey

Just two more weeks until Thanksgiving break! I look forward to hanging out with Savita, Meera, Jess, Phi, Ken S., Emily, my cousin Kenny, Jena, Kathryn, Amy, Christine, Rich, and of course my entire family - minus one. I still miss you when I think of you, PB.
---
"When the soldier in the movie theater first started changing seats--when he made his first move for her--Jenny Fields felt that the Valentine treatment would be just the thing for him. But she didn't have an irrigator with her; it was much too large for her purse. It also required the considerable cooperation of the patient. What she did have with her was a scalpel; she carried it with her all the time. She had not stolen it from surgery either; it was a castaway scalpel with a deep nick taken out of the point (it had probably been dropped on the floor, or in a sink)--it was no good for fine work, but it was not for fine work that Jenny wanted it."

"It was a simple procedure that could force as much as one hundred cc's of fluid up the penis and through the surprised urethra before it all came back, but the procedure left everyone feeling a bit raw."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
Learning material on the Friday before our Monday quizzes is stressful. I went to lecture a bit late, but was happy to have a seat saved for me by Keith - extra clicker in hand. Learning about the urogenital triangle was interesting... I appreciate the gender differences a bit more. In lab, Bijan, Dan, Quynh and I were a bit frustrated about the attention our professor seems to give everyone else but us. Oh well - at least Dr. J.Lyons had a huge pelvic model where we learned about the organ, nerve, and membrane layers. A few small children could fit into it, and I would like to make my own hahah - let me know if you're interested in helping me with this endeavor.

Lunch was good, I had a Morning Star veggie burger with whole wheat bread and chocolates for dessert. I got to sit near Quynh though we didn't have much time to chat. I read through some biochemistry and worked on the problem set before class. Then, I studied physio before going to the HAE review. It was a bit overwhelming because I haven't had the time to go through the material of the urogenital triangle... considering we just learned it this morning. I went to the gym and took a couple physiology quizzes. I passed! We'll see how I do on Monday.
---
"The man who invented a device for this method of treatment was named Valentine, and his device was called the Valentine irrigator. Long after Dr. Valentine's irrigator was improved, or replaced with another irrigation device, the nurses at Boston Mercy still referred to the procedure as the Valentine treatment--an appropriate punishment for a lover, thought Jenny Fields."

"The other peter treatment was local and also required a lot of fluid."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today I woke up groggily to a gray sky with little snow flakes falling out of it. When I walked to class, I could see my breath and the blanketing frost on the grass. The dullness was contrasted by the remaining yellow and orange leaves on the deciduous trees that were holding their own in this war of attrition with winter. It was something out of an oil painting of a rural scene.

Class was really interesting. I enjoy biochemistry with Dr. Compton teaching the most, and I enjoy physiology with Dr. Manning teaching the most. On Doc was fun, as Dr. O'Donnell palpated my abdomen, I could not help giggling out of control - especially when he was scratching along my side trying to hear the inferior border of my liver through the stethoscope. I enjoyed lunch with Ken and Paul. Paul gave me grapes, cuts of apple, triscuits, peanut butter and Halloween-themed Oreos. It was good enough of a lunch for me. I went to the library and studied until I could not focus. I worked out, but before doing so I had a five second conversation with Dave who helped me put my rose colored glasses back on. It could be better, but it could be worse. Then went home to clean my bathroom and take out the recyclables. Living with three boys can be hella difficult, but at the same time - I really like them.
---
"Jenny frequently assisted with this method of disinfecting, because the patient required lots of attention at the time; sometimes, in fact, he needed to be held."

"Sulfathiazole was for the clap--with lots of water recommended."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

[2:44 pm at DHMC] As I sit in this one-sie couch in the sun,  I am thinking about my meeting with Dr. Bartlett. It was amazing to go over the concepts and finally feel the distinction between frustration and understanding. I feel like the previous quizzes have mostly been determined by the inability to read and understand what was being asked of me. Going through the concepts of ventilation and perfusion, I explained things back and heard, "That is exactly right."  as a response. I feel more hopeful. Listening to Don McLean's American Pie is also quite appropriate... it's upbeat and somehow optimistic; I am feeling that way.

If you ever feel doubtful, just repeat this:

I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok.
I can, I can, I can.

You will find that it isn't so hard to believe.

[a few hours later at home] Today I learned some physio and then went late to a talk at the AVA in Lebanon about screening and racial disparities. It was interesting to hear about the discussion between efficiency and equality. Julia, Devang and I stuck around to attend Dr. Koop's art gallery exhibit with all the comics written ABOUT HIM when he was surgeon general. IT WAS SO COOL. Currently, I'm baking pumpkin bread - I can't seem to focus.

What I'm feeling now is expressed perfectly by Chris Martin:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
  ---
"For syphilis, in the days before penicillin, they used neoarsphenamine; Jenny Field thought that this was the epitome of all that sex could lead to--to introduce arsenic into the human chemistry, to try to clean the chemistry up."