Complicated.

"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity." - Dr. Benjamin Franklin

This weekend was so lovely. I stargazed and took long walks. I baked chocolate Guinness stout cake with Bailey's frosting with Futty. I had a magnificent dinner over looking the water at Pilot House with Futty and Doug. Then we made a bonfire and drank some Sailor Jerry's with coke. It all went by so fast. It's finally happened, but the silence is 1000x worse than the outcome I didn't want. At least I would know.

tennessee. kentucky. do you hear the S3 and S4 gallops? me neither.

this weekend was so memorable.

friday i got some work done before savita and emily drove up from newark to me :) we hung out with some kids at canoe club and then moved it along to murphy's and then back to lebanon. we had a mini dance party and fell asleep (i think i could have seen the sun rise). then when we got home we slept until noon before going to shryl's in west leb. emily got a cheeseburger with fries, savita got french toast with eggs and bacon. i had eggs over easy with homemade whole wheat toast and a side of warm blueberries. so good, especially with hot coffee to wash it down. then we walked to the connecticut river by tuck and sat on a picnic bench talking about whatever. we mosied on over to the green and laid out while people watching. then we walked home, showered and got dinner at molly's with aly and judy. it was so nice to have a little miami spring break reunion! then we went to canoe and chatted with qunyh, marianne, nora, and others. later, we danced at the vt school fundraiser with ryan, kenoma, wes, dan, and whoever else was untzing along to the music. sunday was bittersweet as we slowly got up, ate food and made our way to our destinations - for them, it was new york; for me, it was the library.

this week had a hard start as i tried to finish, let me take that back, catch up on everything. but i probably shouldn't have wasted hours on making homemade granola (which rock by the way... excuse me as i toot my own horn). i had a good day cheering on the dms 2014 vs 2015 soccer game yesterday. WE WONNNNN 3-2 WOOOOOOOO. everyone was so intense on the field and off. but all in all, spirits were high and there was a great deal of sportsmanship (though i'm not sure if it was all necessarily good - yeah i'm talking about you #6). then i resumed studying and went to the gym before studying some more. today i skipped pharm and sat with erin and dan as we studied our own things. path lab with nate was so productive as we also caught up on our summers and lives. 6 weeks and counting until his baby girl! i'm excited to meet her. and then i just had lunch with anna, my little sib, who is amazing! she has accomplished so much and is super motivated, which is inspiring to see that spark that i feel i've lost throughout the year. i made tofu coconut curry and she brought slices of blueberry peach pie from lou's for us. it was... divine. happily i got to run into ashley and we made our way to the biochem office and continued on our candy tradition. and then now as i sit in the library, i got to talk with a friend who said, as she walked away to class, "i want to see more of you." which is always nice to know. the feeling is mutual, by the way.

reality is what we take to be true...

...what we take to be true is what we believe. what we believe is based upon our perceptions. what we perceive depends upon what we look for. what we look for depends on what we think. what we think depends on what we perceive. what we perceive determines what we believe. what we believe determines what we take to be true. what we take to be true is our reality.
-david bohm

friday we dressed up in 90s gear. the people attending class has diminished... and i'm about to jump on the bandwagon. it seems more productive to be at home. i studied for a bit after going to the gym. then i went to heart rounds to catch up with a few people i haven't seen yet and then some. after, ryan and kenoma drove us back to their place for a gathering to celebrate cindy, ryan and my birthdays. at first there were many many asians (with at least a little in them) except kenoma. susannah, their neighbor baked a wonderful chocolate cake and a second rum cake. they were SO good. it was nice to be with friendly faces.

(photo by s. choe)

yesterday i woke up without the alarm clock and studied before going to the gym. it seems like a trend, eh? i wish the sun would come out.

the big dipper

never seemed so bright as it did tonight.

tonight was so cool. on doc was awesome as i got acquainted with my new preceptor. she is totally rad. and then i studied at dana with dan in the quiet room until julia picked me up to hang out at the norwich inn. i was preoccupied with andes mints until a few more people came to mix and mingle. i love how people are so wonderful here... they do so much to make me smile without even trying.

and when i got home, i texted one of my oldest friends. he amazingly always knows what to say, especially when i'm sad. i wonder what he thinks about... i'll find out in october i guess.

rest in peace, jerald brooks.

currently listening to: my love will get you home
yesterday, i found out my two of my oldest and best friends' father, my second father, passed away. it has been a long road, but this conclusion never seemed like it would come.

you were suffering, and now i am sure you are in a better place, looking down on us and keeping us safe. i can't believe someone i have known for more than half my life is gone... someone who would always say, "there she is - our lost daughter has come home." this was always without fail, no matter how much time has passed... welcoming me with opened arms.

whenever i get into studying or talking to people, i forget for a moment. i'm so removed, so distant, it doesn't really seem real. i'm going back home this weekend to help with whatever i can. i just don't want it to be real.

i'm sorry if i am not myself.

a part of me has died.

Lately...

I have been eating a lot more during the day.
I have been sleeping less.
I have been unable to focus.
I notice my midsection seems bigger.

Thinking about it, I have assumed it's due to stress... about what? I'm not sure - I have a test tomorrow, it could always be due to that. Yet... my behavior seems a bit extreme, even for me.

I found the answer last night when I had a dream that I was browsing a book store and chanced upon a self-help book, "You Are Enough" (as our On Doc facilitator would say). I thought about it this morning, and couldn't help but realize I have been so anxious about the possibility of failure due to the magnitude of information I don't remember from last year in addition to the wealth of knowledge I need to acquire this year. The pressure of having people's lives depend on you is weighing on me... yet a bit too prematurely.

Palliative end of life care.

Today we had a lecture by Dr. Byock. It was engaging and incredible. There were some questions he talked about asking patients that I wanted to answer.

If you were to die suddenly, as any of us might, would there be important things left undone?

Are there: 

Projects that would be left incomplete unless they were turned over to others?  
 I still need to finish the BBC's "50 places to go before you die". You'll have to go to those sites for me.


People you would have wanted to visit at least one more time? 
 So many people in so many places to reminisce about so many memories.


Things that would be left unsaid to significant people in your life?
For whatever I have done to wrong you, I hope you forgive me as I have forgiven those who hurt me. I choose to only remember the good times, especially those instances when I truly felt seen and heard by you. Thank you for being there. I love you.
 ---
So morbid, I know. However, it just needs to be said.