rest in peace, jerald brooks.

currently listening to: my love will get you home
yesterday, i found out my two of my oldest and best friends' father, my second father, passed away. it has been a long road, but this conclusion never seemed like it would come.

you were suffering, and now i am sure you are in a better place, looking down on us and keeping us safe. i can't believe someone i have known for more than half my life is gone... someone who would always say, "there she is - our lost daughter has come home." this was always without fail, no matter how much time has passed... welcoming me with opened arms.

whenever i get into studying or talking to people, i forget for a moment. i'm so removed, so distant, it doesn't really seem real. i'm going back home this weekend to help with whatever i can. i just don't want it to be real.

i'm sorry if i am not myself.

a part of me has died.

Lately...

I have been eating a lot more during the day.
I have been sleeping less.
I have been unable to focus.
I notice my midsection seems bigger.

Thinking about it, I have assumed it's due to stress... about what? I'm not sure - I have a test tomorrow, it could always be due to that. Yet... my behavior seems a bit extreme, even for me.

I found the answer last night when I had a dream that I was browsing a book store and chanced upon a self-help book, "You Are Enough" (as our On Doc facilitator would say). I thought about it this morning, and couldn't help but realize I have been so anxious about the possibility of failure due to the magnitude of information I don't remember from last year in addition to the wealth of knowledge I need to acquire this year. The pressure of having people's lives depend on you is weighing on me... yet a bit too prematurely.

Palliative end of life care.

Today we had a lecture by Dr. Byock. It was engaging and incredible. There were some questions he talked about asking patients that I wanted to answer.

If you were to die suddenly, as any of us might, would there be important things left undone?

Are there: 

Projects that would be left incomplete unless they were turned over to others?  
 I still need to finish the BBC's "50 places to go before you die". You'll have to go to those sites for me.


People you would have wanted to visit at least one more time? 
 So many people in so many places to reminisce about so many memories.


Things that would be left unsaid to significant people in your life?
For whatever I have done to wrong you, I hope you forgive me as I have forgiven those who hurt me. I choose to only remember the good times, especially those instances when I truly felt seen and heard by you. Thank you for being there. I love you.
 ---
So morbid, I know. However, it just needs to be said.  

60 degrees with rain, rain and more rain

Phi's Thinking About You remix

Now that I am back in school, sitting in an auditorium from 8-3:15 pm, I am in serious withdrawal.

This past week was amazing. Last Monday, I went to Newark to hang out with the NJMS kids at Manan's house party. Savita and Manan made great sangria, and I left for EWR as everyone else went to the Jersey City beer garden. Tuesday, I chilled out and watched Netflix aaaaaaaall day before meeting up with Johnny and Carrie Anne for drinks at Water St Bar and Grill downtown. Wednesday, I had lunch with Jena and Sarah, who I haven't seen in 6 years, to catch up. Then Jena and I walked around the mall to stay out of the humidity while digesting our Chinese food. I picked up Victoria and we went to see Crazy, Stupid, Love. It was lovely, especially when he said, "I should have fought for you." Swoon. I dropped her off and her mom cooked amazing Vietnamese food for me. At 7, I stopped by Amy's one last time before going to Rich's II for ice cream with Sean. I can't believe I have known them both for over 10 years. I went to the beach at night and saw the big dipper so vividly as I talked on the phone with the fireworks going on. Thursday, Crystal came over to catch up over hookah and astrology, hahaha, it was funny. She drove me to the bus stop so I could get to Savita's. Nikhil and I got to Newark Penn at the same time which was perfect for Savita to pick us up. The three of us with Manan went to Cuban Pete's for sangria and paella... then Nikhil left and Swetha joined us. We hung out over Carlo Rossi on the terrace before going to their friend's apt.

Friday morning, the four of us made spinach and pepperjack cheese omelets with a pot of coffee. I left a couple hours later to meet up with Meera for lunch at Spring Street Natural in SoHo. The food was so good! I took the train to Herald Square and got pinkberry with Steph and walked around. A couple hours later, I took the train down to Emily and we got Clay Pot Indian food, which was like the ethnic version of Chipotle. It was delicious - I got the naan with chickpea masala and a mango lassi. Still full, we got on the train to Sandeep's to watch The Kids Are Alright ($1 from the Blockbuster kiosk) in his apt theater... ridiculously lush. Saturday, Emily and I went to the gym before going to Central Park to meet up with Tiff, Chang, Lily, and other kids for a picnic and outdoorsy games. I got my haircut in Chinatown with Lulu and then caught up with Florine at Starbucks off Union Square before I ran back to Tiff's to get ready for Chang's rooftop party. I'm so glad I got to see Mike, who went to high school and college with me, among the other familiar faces. We went to Empire Hotel and danced around before going home to inhale ramen and pizza. Amaaaaaazing. Though, the ride back up the next day with David and Ken was rough... and sitting in class today for so many hours seemed wrong to me.

I miss summer.

Sunny and clear, with a high of 80 degrees.

I've been home for a week. There is a feeling of something is missing in some place. (Or maybe someone?) I am not really sure - it is not a notion I can put into words. However, I do know it happens every time I come home from somewhere. When I come home with the memory of perfection from the past few days, weeks, or months, it feels a bit like paradise lost. (With some separation anxiety from the people with whom I had spent every minute, hour, and day.)

I got to play catch up with Savita, Meera, Emily, Shirley, Gary (and Thalia, Ryan's pitbull), Steph, Phi, Rach, Jess, Jena, Sean, Crystal, and Amy. Most of it revolved around meals, movies or long walks around suburbia. Last night was fun, Crystal and her mom, Julie, took me out to a second lunch at Taco Bell haha and I had a bean burrito kids meal. We were occupied with the pieces of a toy airplane that you build according to the picture. Then we visited Jess's mom and grandma before dropping Crystal off at work. Aunt Julie and I went to Uncle Tom's restaurant to pick up some ingredients for a party on Sunday, and we made plans to go clamming in Island State Beach Park on Monday. Then we ran around Shop Rite, Marshall's, Costco and a fresh produce store, Tomato's in Brick. Hearing the hot news that there were black cherries on sale at Stop N' Shop, we drove to Point Pleasant to continue food shopping where I, leafing through Us Weekly and Cosmo, caught up the latest celebrity news (sad, I know). Then we went to get Crystal, ate sushi, and bumped into Aunt Sue and KATIE. She's three now and soooooo cute with the most infectious laugh I have ever heard. I kept tickling her and tossing her up in the air just to hear her giggle. In addition, I am so excited for tomorrow - beach day with Fut. :)

I have been running to get back into the groove of my normal routine. It is funny after reading The Alchemist how it really does feel like the universe seems to help you get to where you want to be (sorry for the fromage). Two nights ago, I was running farther than I have been in 6 weeks and slowed my pace to about a tortoise's when it started to downpour. With iPod in hand, I had to run home before electrocuting myself... or worse, damage my mp3 player (jk). Then last night, it was about 10 pm when I got home and I hadn't run. I ran for about an hour and figured I should probably never do that again considering how random people are reported to be kidnapped and/or killed on running trails. Yet, as I turned on to my street to finish my run, out in the distance, I saw a silhouette of a runner with perfect form and grace. Maktub.