"Most peter treatment that Jenny saw was done to soldiers."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
This weekend was amazing. Friday night was homecoming, the bonfire was so great and enormous. I got to watch it in the presence of great people with whom I could laugh, hug and share body heat. Special thanks to Quynh, David and Nick haha. Then we went to Dewey Lot and hopped on a yellow school bus. We went to the Coolidge Hotel in WRJ. Good job distributing bracelets, Julia and Chris :)

The red wine was tasty and the DJ was awesome. I had a lot of fun dancing around - the sillier, the better. At midnight, we hopped back on the bus and I hung out at Nick's with the host, Ashley, Quynh and Jo Ling. It was awesome to sit around and talk about nothing in particular but have an amazing time. There was a cameo by Dan, which was stellar. Then at 2 am, Quynh drove me home before we met up again in the morning to the NP tailgating party. (Sadly, Dartmouth lost to Harvard). I had a veggie burger with an assortment of chips and carrots. Yum. I went to the library with Keith and eventually Chris. We got through a lot of interesting things - medical school related and not. Then my roommates convinced me to go out with then and we went to the Canoe Club. Wesley and Robert bought me a Allagash White beer each, and my verdict is that it is gingery and delicious.

This morning, I went with Wes to Price Chopper and bought ingredients to bake a pumpkin pie. It turned out spectacularly. If you ever find yourself in face of a watery batter, have no fear - it still comes out super wonderfully. Then tonight, we had our final dance lesson at our professor's house. Next week is our pseudo-semi-formal :) I just came back from the gym with a better mentality and an optimism for the week. Every day is a new day, as Emily wisely told me.
---
"The U.S. Army would not begin to benefit from the discovery of penicillin until 1943, and there were many soldiers who didn't get penicillin until 1945. At Boston Mercy, in the early days of 1942, peters were usually treated with sulfa and arsenic."

"Few jokes were funny to Jenny Fields, and certainly not this one; no peter jokes for Jenny, who was staying clear of the issue."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

"me:  what are your thoughts?

you could be be the cookie monster

or oscar the grouch

or snooki

 David:  Snooki is like #2 this yr

I should be the guy that punched snooki in the face. Then I can punch all the snookies!"

I loved the start of today. I wore my black sweater and peach skirt to fit in today's Friday theme of wearing black and orange for Halloween. Drs. Fab, V.Lyons, J.Lyons, and Catlin threw candy at us and we got so excited haha. I kind of love the homelessness that is medical school. As I walked down the aisle, I got a big hug from Nick, which always makes me feel better. We took a class picture of those who participated. Then in lab, Bijan, Dan, Quynh and I were pretty efficient and found everything we needed. Dr. J.Lyons came over after Dan and I high fived each other and wanted to participate. To see such a highly esteemed physician who used to be the head of surgery at Mass Gen high-five and pound us made my ENTIRE MONTH. I taught him how to pound and explode out - he lit up, which makes me light up. Dr. V.Lyons quizzed us and collectively, we knew all of the organs and fossas and ligaments in the pelvic cavity. Thank you Dan for saving us with naming the detrusor muscle (the smooth muscle in the bladder), I won't be forgetting that one anytime soon.

---

"She had seen the trouble peters could get into; babies were not the worst of it. Of course she saw people who didn't want to have babies, and they were sad that they were pregnant; they shouldn't have to have babies, Jenny thought--though she mainly felt sorry for the babies who were born. She saw people who wanted to have their babies, too, and they made her want to have one. One day, Jenny Fields though, she would like to have a baby--just one. But the trouble was that she wanted as little to do with a peter as possible, and nothing whatsoever to with a man."

"'Hospital! Hospital!' he cried."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

I like days like these. I slept for 11 hours last night. I had felt sleepy and unproductive so I wanted to nap at 8 pm. I never woke up, and I slept through the night until 7 am this morning. I think it was needed. Sometimes I feel like I have been completely sleep deprived with a sheet of tiredness blurring everything I have to do - very much like the Claritin commercials. I felt clearer this morning, like I could sit through lectures, I wanted to talk to people and I felt like the day was something to soak up - rather than to just get through. The ob/gyn who came to talk to us during our core luncheon was amazing. I felt like all her "shortcomings" whether they were her empathy, perfectionist tendencies, or priority of family, were my own and I felt validated in having them. It's just a matter of finding a setting and people that will be opened to them. After class, Keith and I went Halloween shopping. It was a long road, but I think we managed to find some things that work. I had some chats with Emily, Meera, and Savita, which were needed - fyi guys, "Home is whenever I'm with you" and I think that will always be the case. Then Quynh came over for dinner and we talked about a lot of things, and I feel really good to connect to someone so well. It's nice to feel affirmed in a safe space. Above and below are pictures from Occum Pond, poor Paul - I made him point his finger and stay in that position because he had been pointing out the DOC house. I thought it looked adventurous in new terrains or something...

I love autumn.

---
"'The Peter Bent?' the cabby asked. That was the closest hospital. 'It's worse than bent,' the man moaned. 'I think Molly bit it off!'"

"And another hospital was the Peter Bent Brigham, which was called the Peter Bent."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

I love days when:
your hair falls just the way you want it to.
the sun is shining.
you can help someone out.
someone helps you out.
someone tells you something new you didn't know before.
there are no pimples on your face.
you can sit with someone and talk about anything for hours.
the pressure to excel isn't too great.
when people know what you're feeling and can be there for you accordingly (I appreciate you, Jess and Quynh).
you have a moment where everything comes together.
you can reason things out.
someone waits for you.
you get a hug for no reason.
people show or tell you they care.
the person you need to talk to most picks up the phone.

...and I like remembering that there will be days like those again when I'm not feeling the like I'm having one of those days.

---
"One day, the joke goes, a Boston cab driver had his taxi hailed by a man who staggered off the curb toward him, almost dropping to his knees in the street. The man was purple in the face with pain; he was either strangling or holding his breath, so that talking was clearly difficult for him, and the cabby opened the door and helped him inside, where the man lay face down on the floor alongside the back seat, tucking his knees up to his chest."

"'My mother,' Garp wrote, 'was not one for making fine distinctions.'"

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

My preceptor is a family medicine doctor. On the daily, she sees patients with things ranging from scabies, annual physicals, and pain. I always feel like the last is tricky because you do not know if you are prescribing opiates to treat pain or to feed an addiction. My preceptor said that you have to trust your instinct and figure out whether you can rely on the information given to you by your patient. You can get burned. She has, but you have to do what you can to treat your patients, who may very well be confiding in you their pain and suffering.

Since I have to learn it, so should you. Bruits: turbulent blood flow causes vibration in blood vessels producing sound. Left ventricular pressure rises as left ventricle contracts and when LVP rises LAP, mitral valve closes. The S1 sound (lower pitched) is mitral valve closing and S2 (higher pitched) is aortic valve closing, aortic pressure rise distinguish sounds. Sternal Angle (of Louie) is continuous with second rib. The intercostal space on the right side is aortic area, left side is pulmonic area. The 3rd and 4th are known as tricuspid area or right ventricular area. Apex of heart is felt for apical impulse in 5th intercostal space. The base of heart is the pulmonic area and aortic area.

Palpation
Pulmonic Area: hypertension
Aortic: stenosis
Sternum: RV hypertrophy
Precordium (chest wall in front of heart): Apical impulse to palpate in intercostal spaces to feel it.

---
"One striking difference she might have seen between clams and people was that people had some sense of humor, but Jenny was not inclined toward humor. There was a popular joke among the nurses in Boston at that time, but it was not funny to Jenny Fields. The joke involved one of the other hospitals in Boston. The hospital Jenny worked in was Boston Mercy Hospital, which was called Boston Mercy; there was also Massachusetts General Hospital, which was called the Mass General."

"Jenny asked for a book about clams."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

It's funny how things can work out. What seemingly seems obtainable can fall short and lie just beyond the tips of our fingers. I have gotten comfortable in my situation, which is pretty bad considering there are factors beyond the realm of DMS that dictate a lot more than I can control.

For now, all I feel I can do is quote:
"Love life, and life will love you back."
-Arthur Rubinstein

I had a plan today: to study, to work out, and to eat. I woke up at 8 and studied a bit but not long after, I fell asleep for two hours reading physiology notes. Waking up at 1 pm, I just decided the time spent napping replaced the time that I would have spent sweating it out. I made rice, broccoli and a vegetable burger patty from Boca's with sun-dried tomato Gouda cheese. Then studying some more, I got through a lot of what I wanted. I am so tired... I'd like to say it is a visceral pain radiating throughout my head and body. It is dull and unlocalized. It is hard to explain, except I'd much rather go to sleep than learn about signaling pathways and the anatomical structure of the kidney. I even did my laundry as a form of procrastination.

The weather gets me down when it rains. I feel pressure weighing heavily on my body, and it feels like a burden. Maybe it's the barometric pressure. Maybe it's the impending quizzes tomorrow. Maybe it's all in my head. I suppose you can't fully appreciate the sun without days like these.

---
"She read all about them: how they ate, how they bred, how they grew. It was the first live thing she understood completely--its life, its sex, its death. At Dog's Head Harbor, human beings were not that accessible. In the hospital, Jenny Fields felt she was making up for last time; she was discovering that people weren't much more mysterious, or much more attractive, than clams."

"The most mysterious thing she had been allowed to investigate on her own, when Jenny was a child, had been the cellar and the great pottery crock which every Monday was filled with clams."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
today i woke up at 10:30 am. it was amazing to have so much sleep after a hard week. i reheated my spicy black bean burger with avocado and roasted red peppers for brunch. i helped mette clean up from the party and collected many bottles for beth's homemade beer. then i reheated the fries and bread at 350 degrees for seven minutes. they were wonderful with ketchup. i tried to study but daft punk was playing too loudly so i studied at baker berry with keith until we went to the gym. pretty productive i would say - though the couches are too comfy. i curled up in my one-sy and studied biochem and physio. will i ever fully understand? i just can never be too sure. then i was driven home, but not before we took a minute to fully appreciate the full moon.
---
"Jenny's mother sprinkled cornmeal on the clams at night, and every morning they were rinsed in fresh sea water from a long pipe that ran into the basement from the sea itself. By the weekend the clams were fat and free of sand, they were growing too big for their shells, and their great, obscene necks lolled on the salt water. Jenny would help the cook sort through them on Fridays; the dead ones did not retract their necks when touched."

"At Dog's Head Harbor, when Jenny had been a girl, the family members had their own baths, their own rooms, their own doors with their own mirrors on the back."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
today classes were basically all review. i loved that people wore flannel and plaid as part of our themed fridays. i loved that jocelyn kathie are so sweet when it comes to menaka and me gobbling up the candy! today, during physio, i took a break and went to grab some more chocolate and there were donuts, chex mix, caramel candy corn AND malt cider. YUM. i grabbed some donuts that i wanted, but didn't want to eat. so as i walked back down to class, i passed by dr. j. lyons's office and offered him a donut. he asked if i wanted a protein bar. i asked him if he wanted to trade, which he did and i was so happy for the rest of the day. his piercing blue eyes and big eyebrows make lab worthwhile haha.

beth and i shared her chocolate covered sunflower seeds and then the chex mix/candy corn i got. then i went to the hae review, and then studied physio and then went to the gym. keith, paul and i studied a bit of inguinal canal with aaron!! afterward, we got dinner at molly's. SO GOOD and it was in such good company.

now there is a party going downstairs. i would really rather be there but i've been so tired...

out comes the ear plugs...
---
"In the hospital, privacy was not sacred; nothing was a secret; if you wanted a mirror, you had to ask a nurse."

"She found a steamy shower stall--quite modern, for 1925--a private toilet, a row of bottles so unlike her mother's bottles that Jenny thought she had discovered the lair of a secret man living undetected in their house for years."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Sleep deprivation makes me grouchy... and hungry.

Biochemistry - so straight forward. Love it. Ilya, David, Jeanie and I got the Spiderman case which I think went pretty well. Dr. Catlin was nicer to us because we didn't really learn the material yet. Then On Doc, we learned about the eye, nose and neck exams. Keith kindly drove Edmund and me to our On Doc preceptorships in Lebanon. I had shadowed with cases involving drug addiction, depression, chronic pain, cancer survival and URI (with a boy beginning to dabble in legal troubles and drugs). I interviewed a patient and auscultated and took blood pressures. Then I came home and enjoyed a ramen noodle dinner with Paul before taking a nap :)

I feel unprepared for the quizzes coming up on Monday. IT IS ALREADY THE FIFTH ONE. The final is in a month.. and I do not remember what I have learned up to this point. I miss home. I cannot wait to hang out with the people in what seems like my past life. There is definitely running around NYC while drinkind DD with Meera and Savita, eating froyo with Florine, drinking whiskey alone with Emily, and so many other things. Then dinner dates with Amy and Christine plus chick flicks with Kathryn and Jena. So many things to do, so little time - but I am so excited.
---
"In fact, she had.

In the hospital, Jenny knew where everything went --and she was learning the unmagical answers to where almost everything came from."

"Jenny Fields was five before she saw her father's bathroom."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

At the cafe in Baker-Berry Library, I ordered a large vegetable chili soup and a small coffee. I handed the cashier my credit card, but he said that they only accepted cash or Dartmouth cards. I fumbled with my coin purse and dropped everything on the ground. My IDs, metrocard (for nostalgic purposes), credit cards, and coins all scattered everywhere. As I gathered my belongings, the guy behind me asked if I was getting "just this?". When I confirmed, he handed the cashier his card and paid for me along with his purchases. I was stunned and amazed and felt that whatever bad things I was feeling at the moment weren't quite so bad.

Wow.
---
"She tracked it down one morning by following the scent of her father's cologne."

"As a child she had never seen the dirty dishes; in fact, when the maids cleared the table, Jenny was sure they were throwing the dishes away (it was some time before she was even allowed in the kitchen)."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
Today was amazing. Biochemistry was straight forward. I like it when that happens. CTO was ok - I was getting lost in the layers of the mucosa, submucosa, muscularis externa and serosa (aka the adventitia when it is just connective tissue without the simple squamous epithelium/visceral peritoneum). Then we had a core lunch with an internalist physician. I couldn't sit seriously with my neighbor whilst eating pizza. Sometimes it's fun to just be immature and giggly. During CTO lab, I was interested in finding goblet cells, but the more obscure Paneth cells escaped me. I sat in the library with Kirsten, Chris and Jocelyn before going to Ben's talk. He stood in front of us and talked about his survival of testicular cancer two years ago. It was incredible to see such an eloquent and brave 25 year old medical student. I met up with my anatomy group afterward and discussed the cases on the third floor of Dana. I went to the Physicians for Human Rights dinner where I chatted with really amazing and inspiring physicians who have traveled the world and established clinics and studies that are making a difference. The dinner itself was incredible - hummus and pita, sweet potato fries, roasted vegetables, vegetable chili and apple pie a la mode. So good. Oh, I cannot even begin to describe the corn bread... so good. I went to the gym and tried working off everything I inhaled, I don't think it worked.

Call me sentimental, but after Ben's talk and after the dinner - I am reminded there is so much more than medical school. There is a life to live. So like the BBC's 50 places, there was a 50 things to do before you die on MSNBC's Today Show from 2005:

Have you ever thought what it would be like to jump out of a plane, scale a famous peak, or finally say thank you to someone who really deserves to hear it? What are we waiting for? Starting in May, NBC’s 'Today' show is taking our viewers on a unique adventure to experience the top 50 things everyone should get to do before they die.  Here's the list:

• Watch whales migrate
• Go white water rafting
• See wild game on an African safari
• Find a long-lost friend
• Learn to dance (Monday night swing dance classes!)
• Fly a plane
• Drive a NASCAR race car
• Appear on Broadway (I don't have any desire, so I'll count graduating in Radio City)
• Dive the Great Barrier Reef
• Skydive
• Golf on a world famous course
• Travel the Nile in Egypt
• Be serenaded by a Venetian gondolier
• Swim with the dolphins
• Play with an orchestra
• Paint the Big Apple red
• Float in a hot air balloon
• Sip a mint julep at the Kentucky Derby
• Visit the Oval Office
• Trace your roots
• Helicopter over a Hawaiian volcano
• Ride a mule down the Grand Canyon
• Stroll along the Great Wall of China
• Cruise in a Ferrari
• See the Taj Mahal at sunrise
• Walk the Inca trail at Macchu Picchu
• Ride a Harley down an open road
• Feed sharks
• Scale a famous peak
• Explore a Rain Forest
• Learn to be a cowboy
• Play ball in a Major League park (I'm going to count graduating in one instead)
• Prepare the world's finest meal (2009-10 weekly potlucks)
• Be an extra in a movie
• Gaze upon a magnificent waterfall
• Horseback ride along a beach
• Conquer a fear
• Ride a steamboat down the Mississippi
• Dive in a submarine
• Taste the finest wine
• Run a marathon
• Write a song or poem for someone you love
• Volunteer overseas
• Visit a nudist colony
• Explore the Alaskan wilderness
• Hover in a blimp
• Eat a cheeseburger in paradise (to me, that's Shake Shack in Madison Square Park)
• Run with the bulls in Pamplona
• Say a special thank you
• Experience weightlessness

---
"And when the milk truck brought the day's dishes, too--the sound, that glassy clatter and bang, being so like the sound of the maids in the closed kitchen, doing whatever they did to the dishes."

"Jenny felt she had grown up on a large ship without having seen, much less understood, the engine room."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

This will just be a visual post today:

---
"She liked how the hospital reduced everything to what one ate, if it helped one to have eaten it, and where it went."

"Each time she saw her brothers, her mother, and her father, they were more uncomfortable in one another's presence."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
The sky was cloudy and gray, but hearing the wind outside through the trees was calming. The comparison of being safe and warm inside my room as the trees swayed unstably seemed to remind me how nice it is to have a place to call home. I went to the gym, but it was really difficult. I had a great lunch and did some studying and television watching (30 Rock!). I napped and then went to Ryan's in Lebanon with Chris. I can't get enough of Bailey's on ice (that's a lie, it is possible to drink too much Bailey's - but that limit was not reached today). We played Kings and nibbled on Megan's dark chocolate with dried ginger. I also had Julia's cake that we baked last night, which I hadn't tried - yum.

Tomorrow we're going to Hanover's lactating tree! I'm pretty stoked to finally take out my camera and capture the foliage. I don't like the fact that the semester is over in a month. I'm not ready for the semester to be over... but I do think I need to go back into the city sooner rather than later. I miss it.
---
"They were involved in that awkward procedure of getting to unknow each other. That must be how families are, thought Jenny Fields. She felt if she ever children she would love them no less when they were twenty than when they were two; they might need you more at twenty, she though. What do you really need when you're two? In the hospital, the babies were the easiest patients. The older they got, the more they needed; and the less anyone wanted or loved them." [I just wanted to read on a little bit more tonight.]

"When Jenny had broken the chain, had left Wellesley for something as common as nursing, she had dropped her family--and they, as if they couldn't help themselves were in the process of dropping her."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

addiction.
i find it terrible to be under the influence of something that you cannot think straight.
cravings.
it feels like the more you resist,
the more it is on your mind...
the more irresistible it seems.
withdrawal.
is it worth feeling like that?
wouldn't it be easier to just give in?
once you do, it is easy to over-indulge.
as if the time you took to stop yourself before
deserves extra when you finally give in.

this is how i feel about the free bowl of chocolate at jocelyn's desk in the biochem office.

congratulations marco and ali on your engagement :) tonight was a blast.

---
"In the Fields family, for example, it would have been more appropriate if Jenny had become a doctor, or if she'd stayed in college until she married one."

"She kept them in a closet, which was nearly full of boses of nursing shoes--also unopened."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Wow, I finally feel at home here. Grades are finally where I hope they would be and I get a better grasp of what is going on. How I got here? By asking questions - and a lot of them. It does me no good to pretend I know something when it will only get worse as the material builds up on the foundation (that I don't understand). YAY.

Quizzes 4 went by fast so I spent some time outside in the sun. Nothing feels better than the sun on your face after a harsh weekend cramped up in your house. Last night was so much fun - Joling's birthday and our post-quiz #4 party was a blast. And can I mention how delicious strawberry/kiwi cheesecake is? I ate it guilt-free because I had gone to the gym earlier (um... can I say that free food is definitely my downfall...)

Sigh - there is so much information about the abdominals, inguinal and upper GI that I don't know.
---
"She felt detached from her family, and thought it strange how they had lavished so much attention on her, as a child, and then at some appointed, prearranged time they seemed to stop the flow of affection and begin the expectations--as if, for a brief phase, you were expected to absorb love (and get enough), and then, for a much longer and more serious phase, you were expected to fulfill certain obligations."

"As a nurse, Jenny saw little use for the hot-water bottle; she assumed it to be a touching, odd device of old-fashioned and largely psychological comfort."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

it's kinda funny how we want things that are inaccessible to us and then take them for granted when we obtain them.

or how things totally suck while you are in the moment doing them, but in hindsight, it was pretty awesome you did it.

or you play a conversation in your head a million times, and you finally figure out the perfect responses to what you could have said - not that you will ever have that chance again.

"I say Hey I'll be gone today
But I'll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
The less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you"
-Michael Franti and Spearhead
who was at the Greek Theater, Berkeley, CA. I got to attend the concert indirectly as the music spilled over to the Cal campus
---
"But some of the packages made it back to her small room near Boston Mercy Hospital."

"Mrs. Fields gave her daughter a hot-water bottle, or so she said--and so Jenny assumed; she never opened the packages."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
Today, I skipped class to study. I ate breakfast and took my time. I may not have done much, but I feel like it was time better spent than sitting in class. CTO review was helpful and HAE with Dr. Fabricant was fun. I liked drawing the heart on the board. I was really nervous - I started to shake. It's so embarrassing, but hopefully it was not too noticeable. Then I went to the gym and then to the HAE review hosted by the second years. Super helpful, I feel ok about what I know - there is still a lot to go over, but at least I don't feel too behind. There is still time. I had a beer with Wesley and Robert before they went to a concert with Sergey. Sipping on mint green tea now, I wonder how long I am going to last with my life like this...

I kind of like the pain though.

Sometimes I wonder about the concept of intention. Wanting to be there for someone is a nice thought, but actually being there for someone is a whole other story. It means a lot more.
---
Her mother would say, "Dear, do you still have that hot-water bottle I gave you?" And Jenny would think a minute, believing she had left it on the train or thrown it away, and she'd say, "I may have lost it, Mother, but I'm sure I don't need another one."

"There was a Fields line of nursing shoe, and Mr. Fields gave his daughter a free pair whenever she came home; Jenny must have had a dozen pairs."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today, Paul and I walked from the student lounge outside and had a gloomy storm cloud hover over us as the sun shone in the not-so-distant sky. We could see the rain fall through the rays of sun. Really beautiful - it reminded me that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

I still miss my Peanut Butter.

Marco proposed to Allie, and she accepted! Congratulations!!!!

I also need to learn how to not take the way people talk so seriously - in a good or bad way. Some people are just too charming for their own good. Other people need to talk to feel heard.

---

"Mrs. Fields, who insisted on equating her daughter's leaving Wellesley with a sordid future, also gave Jenny a present every time she came home."

"The billboard towered above the railroad yard and was reflected in countless miniatures in the windows of the shoe plant."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving
I met my Physicians for Human Rights mentor today at DHMC. He has started an international chain of clinical trials as well as co-founded a pediatrics AIDS clinic in Tanzania. No big deal - another day at the job. It is so inspiring to be surrounded by such accomplished people. I bonded with Brittany on our way back and talked about global health opportunities for the summer. I finally caught up with my friend, and we were reminded about the delicacies of life. Staying in our rooms studying for tests seem so meaningless compared to going out in the world to love, learn from, and connect with people. However, to become a physician and to actually make a difference in lives require the mundane study habits from us. It is hard not to feel like a small mosquito in a large pond. The issues at hand are so vast, especially with life and death issues approaching us as we age, and we find more reasons to worry about loved ones.

"Babe, you've been on my mind.
Even though my mind is hazy and my thoughts,
they might be narrow,
Where you been?
Don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter to me where you're waking up tomorrow.
Babe, you've been on my mind.
When you wake up in the morning, baby,
Look inside your mirror,
You know I won't be next to you.
You know I won't be near.
I'll just be curious to know if you can see yourself
as clear as someone who has had you on his mind."
-Bob Dylan

---
"Beneath this menacing, advancing foot were the words:
FIELDS for your foot in the factory or in the fields!"

"This complied with the wishes of the senior Mr. Fields, who admitted that the ugliest scenery lay out that side of the train, but he felt that all Fieldses should be forced to face the grimy source of their independence and higher life."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Last night my friend and I got into a spat. We missed a chance to talk, and I took it personally. In Psych 101, we learn that we are egocentric: how when people are rude to us, we think that it says something about their character, but when we are rude to others, we think that others should understand that maybe we're just having a bad day. For that, I apologize. I forget that sometimes. I forget that I feel the same things you feel and vice versa. I should understand that maybe you are just having a bad day, lost track of time, or whatever your reasons... and objectively, I do. I'm just selfish sometimes and want things when I expect them... like when I expected to talk to you :(

I also would like to apologize for my defensive judgments on people I assume will be judgmental because of a label with which they identify. Just because you are defined as something that extremists and racists have given a bad name does not necessarily mean you are the same. I should not assume that you are.

Please forgive me as I learn to let go of past grudges.
---
"On the right hand side of the train, leaving Boston, and on the left as you returned, you passed the main Fields Factory Outlet in Haverhill, and the vast billboard with the huge work shoe taking a firm step toward you."

"Jenny frequently met her brothers at the North Station and rode home on the train with them."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today I woke up without the alarm clock. I took my time getting up and ate a hearty breakfast of sauteed spinach with eggs easy over on a slice of whole wheat toast whilst sipping hot black tea. I studied some respiratory physiology before going to the Green to do some reading. It was so nice to have the sun on my face. I think fall is my favorite season, and it may entirely have to do with the changing foliage in New England. At 4, I went to the gym and then made dinner: mango and spinach in coconut rice with a thermos of mint green tea. It was pretty good for a spontaneous concoction. I received an unexpected e-mail and it made me smile from ear to ear. More of me does not want to know, but there is always a little part of me that wishes I can hear what people are thinking.

I wonder how I can finish the mountain of lectures and notes I have yet to look over and over again. After reading some overdue On Doc articles, there is a quote by Norman Rockwell, 

"Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it."

and it reminds me to turn off the music, close the facebook window and try to figure out what in the world is going on with this lateral and longitudinal folding in embryology. 

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"As all members of the Fields family were bidden to do, they rode home on the right-hand side of the Boston and Maine when the train left Boston and sat on the left when they returned."

"They lived in a large, shingled house on the New Hampshire shore at Dog's Head Harbor."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

Today was a beautiful day. It marked the beginning of so many things that already started, but more officially. The Dartmouth Medical School Class of 2014 received official DMS embroidered white coats today. We read our mission statement (it's on my refrigerator...) and walked up to slip into our coats and to shake the hands of our professors and mentors, signed the mission statement on a table with a cute pumpkin, and shook the hand of Dr. C. Everett Coop, the former Surgeon General who is now at DMS. We took a group picture and proceeded to Goldstein Hall for finger foods and photos. Kenny played nice and took pictures while I scaled back the amount of photos I would have taken (we're all about compromise here). It was sad not to be with Dave, Vi, and Sean on this day, but I am so thankful for Kenny and Wesley who did come to support. To know that people support me and wanted to be present is a good feeling. To know that someone will be there for me, last minute just so I would not be alone, is an even better feeling.

I took a three hour nap today... I think it is silly to study so hard to heal others and not be able to keep myself healthy.
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"Jenny went home for her days and nights off--mainly to please her mother, and to convince the grande dame that although jenny was 'slumming her life away as a nurse,' as her mother remarked, she was not developing slovenly habits in her speech or in her moral person."

"The Fields' family fortune was in shoes, through Mrs. Fields, a former Boston Weeks, had brought some money of her own to the marriage."

-The World According to Garp, John Irving

I finally feel RELIEF. After getting such average grades (at least I have been passing), I finally get the second one that validates the time that I have studied. It feels SO GOOD. I cannot begin to describe the happiness I feel... I hope it is not short-lived.

On another note, we JUST had the quiz on Monday and I feel overwhelmingly overwhelmed. I will say though: don't you love how ligamentum arteriosum reminds you of wingardium leviosa from Harry Potter? Dave, Vi and Sean are not coming after all, but Peanut's recovery is more important. I could not imagine my life without him. At least Kenny was willing to take a five-hour bus ride here and attend the White Coat Ceremony tomorrow morning. My family is amazing. :)

After working out, it is time to take a nap.
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"The Fields family had managed well enough with footwear to have removed themselves from the shoes factories years ago."