Happy Halloween weekend!

Yesterday was fabulous. Class was good and then reviewing the vasculature of the abdomen was good - I really like teaching the HAE reviews. Going through the branches of the Celiac Trunk was fun; presenting with Libby was great - couldn't have asked for a better partner! Then, I studied epilepsy forever until I got ready for Derek, Ilya, and Amit's pregame before the Dartmouth graduate Halloween party! I loved everyone's outfits and dancing without inhibitions!

At 11, we left and went to EBA to get a humungous pesto based pizza! The diameter was larger than the height of a small child. Waking up this morning was difficult, but I got out of bed at 11 am and went to the gym! The work out was fine, but what was really great was the kid next to me. Only your freshman year of college do you say something like, "looks like we both had the same idea" and strike up conversation with a stranger. He let me teach him about the reflexes and their corresponding nerve roots as he told me about anthropology.

I miss college!

"Always tell the truth, no matter how difficult it may be."

-De Mille

I can't stress how important I appreciate people telling me how it is.

If you can't do something we mentioned or something came up. Tell me. It is much easier than me dragging it out of you on the day of the plans because I can schedule other things instead. It's no big deal. It irks me when people tip toe around in fear of me getting upset. It upsets me when you can't trust me to deal. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

C.B. DeMille’s Ten Commandments for Success:
1. be humble
2. be amazed
3. be ready
4. be wise
5. be steadfast
6. be courageous
7. be spectacular
8. be visionary
9. be truthful
10. be generous

Presents part 4!!!!!

...bagels and coffee courtesy of the first year class this morning.

and the SUN - it was gorgeous.

AND seeing the questions on the cv final that david, kevin, dan and jon went over while we LAUGHED so much last night. if i had to study for hours and hours, i can't imagine a better group of people to spend this time with.

last one tomorrow... the gift of freedom.

Presents part 3!!

...what should I see but my name in block letters pointing to a care package filled with peanut butter snickers, gum, chips, and a lovely card from my little sib. :) I had given her a little present yesterday. I love the love that's in the air.

Then, on the actual test, there was a question about [I can't put that up until the other half of the class takes the test], which DAVID AND I HAD TALKED ABOUT LAST NIGHT!!! I could actually hear choirs of angels sing. What a gift of luck!

Also, my roommate came back from Taiwan and gave me an ornately wrapped gift of jasmine tea in a hand painted tin. It was so lovely... she also offered me some chicken soup she made! Too bad, I am a vegetarian.

As I came back from the gym/showering/lunch, Wendy texted about visiting this winter break, which her presence would be the best present to look forward to!!

Presents part 2

I gave myself the luxury of sleeping in today. Then I went to the student lounge and who should be diligently working but Jon... we talk and then he gives me an apple cinnamon muffin!

As I was tucked away in my nook, Menaka comes with some fruit snacks :)

Chelsea texted and asked me where I was because she had a present for me (her words, not mine) and later showed up with home baked pb chocolate chip cookies!!!!!!!

And then as I biked home, there was a random driver who totally should have just driven, but stopped and let me cross the road. So nice!!

Ok, wish me luck on finals tomorrow....... I WILL NEED IT.

Presents

On Wednesday, I received the gift of friendship. I was stressed with a twitch in my eye, a tremor in my hand and heart beats going out of my throat. I just couldn't sit still and felt every moment not studying was a moment wasted. Nick pulled me into hugs and asked me what was wrong. After denying each time he asked, he would just stand there and gave me minutes to reconsider. Then after a bit of a panic attack and feeling like I was brushed off by someone, I called Nick who just listened and said, "I know you're stressed - you aren't yourself." To have someone know when you are acting CRAZY and tell you that you aren't acting like your usual self is such a good feeling.

On Thursday, I posted on fb that I wanted a brownie. Then Aly said she would bring me one and followed through with a chocolate chips embedded, sprinkles encrusted brownie. It was perfect to get what I wanted when I really needed it.

On Thursday as I was doing my usual grocery shopping stress release, I ran into Asha who said she was making pizza for dinner. In class, Wade gave me the foil-wrapped gift of lunch. It was deliciously topped with green peppers and gobs of cheese.

Friday, I also happened to be presented with a Dirt Cowboy gift card because I had the highest recorded MEP/MIP sum of the class. $25 to coffee, tea, and baked goods. Can't wait!

Yesterday, I also received a $10 rebate card for purchasing qualifying products at the grocery store WEEKS ago. I love forgetting about things and then being unexpectedly reminded with the arrival of what seems like a present!

THEN, my mom called a bunch of times today but I let them go to vm because I'm studying. But after the third time, I picked up in case it was an emergency - she was just calling to see if I want the iPhone. :D

Complicated.

"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity." - Dr. Benjamin Franklin

This weekend was so lovely. I stargazed and took long walks. I baked chocolate Guinness stout cake with Bailey's frosting with Futty. I had a magnificent dinner over looking the water at Pilot House with Futty and Doug. Then we made a bonfire and drank some Sailor Jerry's with coke. It all went by so fast. It's finally happened, but the silence is 1000x worse than the outcome I didn't want. At least I would know.

tennessee. kentucky. do you hear the S3 and S4 gallops? me neither.

this weekend was so memorable.

friday i got some work done before savita and emily drove up from newark to me :) we hung out with some kids at canoe club and then moved it along to murphy's and then back to lebanon. we had a mini dance party and fell asleep (i think i could have seen the sun rise). then when we got home we slept until noon before going to shryl's in west leb. emily got a cheeseburger with fries, savita got french toast with eggs and bacon. i had eggs over easy with homemade whole wheat toast and a side of warm blueberries. so good, especially with hot coffee to wash it down. then we walked to the connecticut river by tuck and sat on a picnic bench talking about whatever. we mosied on over to the green and laid out while people watching. then we walked home, showered and got dinner at molly's with aly and judy. it was so nice to have a little miami spring break reunion! then we went to canoe and chatted with qunyh, marianne, nora, and others. later, we danced at the vt school fundraiser with ryan, kenoma, wes, dan, and whoever else was untzing along to the music. sunday was bittersweet as we slowly got up, ate food and made our way to our destinations - for them, it was new york; for me, it was the library.

this week had a hard start as i tried to finish, let me take that back, catch up on everything. but i probably shouldn't have wasted hours on making homemade granola (which rock by the way... excuse me as i toot my own horn). i had a good day cheering on the dms 2014 vs 2015 soccer game yesterday. WE WONNNNN 3-2 WOOOOOOOO. everyone was so intense on the field and off. but all in all, spirits were high and there was a great deal of sportsmanship (though i'm not sure if it was all necessarily good - yeah i'm talking about you #6). then i resumed studying and went to the gym before studying some more. today i skipped pharm and sat with erin and dan as we studied our own things. path lab with nate was so productive as we also caught up on our summers and lives. 6 weeks and counting until his baby girl! i'm excited to meet her. and then i just had lunch with anna, my little sib, who is amazing! she has accomplished so much and is super motivated, which is inspiring to see that spark that i feel i've lost throughout the year. i made tofu coconut curry and she brought slices of blueberry peach pie from lou's for us. it was... divine. happily i got to run into ashley and we made our way to the biochem office and continued on our candy tradition. and then now as i sit in the library, i got to talk with a friend who said, as she walked away to class, "i want to see more of you." which is always nice to know. the feeling is mutual, by the way.

reality is what we take to be true...

...what we take to be true is what we believe. what we believe is based upon our perceptions. what we perceive depends upon what we look for. what we look for depends on what we think. what we think depends on what we perceive. what we perceive determines what we believe. what we believe determines what we take to be true. what we take to be true is our reality.
-david bohm

friday we dressed up in 90s gear. the people attending class has diminished... and i'm about to jump on the bandwagon. it seems more productive to be at home. i studied for a bit after going to the gym. then i went to heart rounds to catch up with a few people i haven't seen yet and then some. after, ryan and kenoma drove us back to their place for a gathering to celebrate cindy, ryan and my birthdays. at first there were many many asians (with at least a little in them) except kenoma. susannah, their neighbor baked a wonderful chocolate cake and a second rum cake. they were SO good. it was nice to be with friendly faces.

(photo by s. choe)

yesterday i woke up without the alarm clock and studied before going to the gym. it seems like a trend, eh? i wish the sun would come out.

the big dipper

never seemed so bright as it did tonight.

tonight was so cool. on doc was awesome as i got acquainted with my new preceptor. she is totally rad. and then i studied at dana with dan in the quiet room until julia picked me up to hang out at the norwich inn. i was preoccupied with andes mints until a few more people came to mix and mingle. i love how people are so wonderful here... they do so much to make me smile without even trying.

and when i got home, i texted one of my oldest friends. he amazingly always knows what to say, especially when i'm sad. i wonder what he thinks about... i'll find out in october i guess.

rest in peace, jerald brooks.

currently listening to: my love will get you home
yesterday, i found out my two of my oldest and best friends' father, my second father, passed away. it has been a long road, but this conclusion never seemed like it would come.

you were suffering, and now i am sure you are in a better place, looking down on us and keeping us safe. i can't believe someone i have known for more than half my life is gone... someone who would always say, "there she is - our lost daughter has come home." this was always without fail, no matter how much time has passed... welcoming me with opened arms.

whenever i get into studying or talking to people, i forget for a moment. i'm so removed, so distant, it doesn't really seem real. i'm going back home this weekend to help with whatever i can. i just don't want it to be real.

i'm sorry if i am not myself.

a part of me has died.

Lately...

I have been eating a lot more during the day.
I have been sleeping less.
I have been unable to focus.
I notice my midsection seems bigger.

Thinking about it, I have assumed it's due to stress... about what? I'm not sure - I have a test tomorrow, it could always be due to that. Yet... my behavior seems a bit extreme, even for me.

I found the answer last night when I had a dream that I was browsing a book store and chanced upon a self-help book, "You Are Enough" (as our On Doc facilitator would say). I thought about it this morning, and couldn't help but realize I have been so anxious about the possibility of failure due to the magnitude of information I don't remember from last year in addition to the wealth of knowledge I need to acquire this year. The pressure of having people's lives depend on you is weighing on me... yet a bit too prematurely.

Palliative end of life care.

Today we had a lecture by Dr. Byock. It was engaging and incredible. There were some questions he talked about asking patients that I wanted to answer.

If you were to die suddenly, as any of us might, would there be important things left undone?

Are there: 

Projects that would be left incomplete unless they were turned over to others?  
 I still need to finish the BBC's "50 places to go before you die". You'll have to go to those sites for me.


People you would have wanted to visit at least one more time? 
 So many people in so many places to reminisce about so many memories.


Things that would be left unsaid to significant people in your life?
For whatever I have done to wrong you, I hope you forgive me as I have forgiven those who hurt me. I choose to only remember the good times, especially those instances when I truly felt seen and heard by you. Thank you for being there. I love you.
 ---
So morbid, I know. However, it just needs to be said.  

60 degrees with rain, rain and more rain

Phi's Thinking About You remix

Now that I am back in school, sitting in an auditorium from 8-3:15 pm, I am in serious withdrawal.

This past week was amazing. Last Monday, I went to Newark to hang out with the NJMS kids at Manan's house party. Savita and Manan made great sangria, and I left for EWR as everyone else went to the Jersey City beer garden. Tuesday, I chilled out and watched Netflix aaaaaaaall day before meeting up with Johnny and Carrie Anne for drinks at Water St Bar and Grill downtown. Wednesday, I had lunch with Jena and Sarah, who I haven't seen in 6 years, to catch up. Then Jena and I walked around the mall to stay out of the humidity while digesting our Chinese food. I picked up Victoria and we went to see Crazy, Stupid, Love. It was lovely, especially when he said, "I should have fought for you." Swoon. I dropped her off and her mom cooked amazing Vietnamese food for me. At 7, I stopped by Amy's one last time before going to Rich's II for ice cream with Sean. I can't believe I have known them both for over 10 years. I went to the beach at night and saw the big dipper so vividly as I talked on the phone with the fireworks going on. Thursday, Crystal came over to catch up over hookah and astrology, hahaha, it was funny. She drove me to the bus stop so I could get to Savita's. Nikhil and I got to Newark Penn at the same time which was perfect for Savita to pick us up. The three of us with Manan went to Cuban Pete's for sangria and paella... then Nikhil left and Swetha joined us. We hung out over Carlo Rossi on the terrace before going to their friend's apt.

Friday morning, the four of us made spinach and pepperjack cheese omelets with a pot of coffee. I left a couple hours later to meet up with Meera for lunch at Spring Street Natural in SoHo. The food was so good! I took the train to Herald Square and got pinkberry with Steph and walked around. A couple hours later, I took the train down to Emily and we got Clay Pot Indian food, which was like the ethnic version of Chipotle. It was delicious - I got the naan with chickpea masala and a mango lassi. Still full, we got on the train to Sandeep's to watch The Kids Are Alright ($1 from the Blockbuster kiosk) in his apt theater... ridiculously lush. Saturday, Emily and I went to the gym before going to Central Park to meet up with Tiff, Chang, Lily, and other kids for a picnic and outdoorsy games. I got my haircut in Chinatown with Lulu and then caught up with Florine at Starbucks off Union Square before I ran back to Tiff's to get ready for Chang's rooftop party. I'm so glad I got to see Mike, who went to high school and college with me, among the other familiar faces. We went to Empire Hotel and danced around before going home to inhale ramen and pizza. Amaaaaaazing. Though, the ride back up the next day with David and Ken was rough... and sitting in class today for so many hours seemed wrong to me.

I miss summer.

Sunny and clear, with a high of 80 degrees.

I've been home for a week. There is a feeling of something is missing in some place. (Or maybe someone?) I am not really sure - it is not a notion I can put into words. However, I do know it happens every time I come home from somewhere. When I come home with the memory of perfection from the past few days, weeks, or months, it feels a bit like paradise lost. (With some separation anxiety from the people with whom I had spent every minute, hour, and day.)

I got to play catch up with Savita, Meera, Emily, Shirley, Gary (and Thalia, Ryan's pitbull), Steph, Phi, Rach, Jess, Jena, Sean, Crystal, and Amy. Most of it revolved around meals, movies or long walks around suburbia. Last night was fun, Crystal and her mom, Julie, took me out to a second lunch at Taco Bell haha and I had a bean burrito kids meal. We were occupied with the pieces of a toy airplane that you build according to the picture. Then we visited Jess's mom and grandma before dropping Crystal off at work. Aunt Julie and I went to Uncle Tom's restaurant to pick up some ingredients for a party on Sunday, and we made plans to go clamming in Island State Beach Park on Monday. Then we ran around Shop Rite, Marshall's, Costco and a fresh produce store, Tomato's in Brick. Hearing the hot news that there were black cherries on sale at Stop N' Shop, we drove to Point Pleasant to continue food shopping where I, leafing through Us Weekly and Cosmo, caught up the latest celebrity news (sad, I know). Then we went to get Crystal, ate sushi, and bumped into Aunt Sue and KATIE. She's three now and soooooo cute with the most infectious laugh I have ever heard. I kept tickling her and tossing her up in the air just to hear her giggle. In addition, I am so excited for tomorrow - beach day with Fut. :)

I have been running to get back into the groove of my normal routine. It is funny after reading The Alchemist how it really does feel like the universe seems to help you get to where you want to be (sorry for the fromage). Two nights ago, I was running farther than I have been in 6 weeks and slowed my pace to about a tortoise's when it started to downpour. With iPod in hand, I had to run home before electrocuting myself... or worse, damage my mp3 player (jk). Then last night, it was about 10 pm when I got home and I hadn't run. I ran for about an hour and figured I should probably never do that again considering how random people are reported to be kidnapped and/or killed on running trails. Yet, as I turned on to my street to finish my run, out in the distance, I saw a silhouette of a runner with perfect form and grace. Maktub.

reverse culture shock

my current anthem: Dully Sykes's Bongo Fleva

Yesterday, Savita, Manan and I woke up and boarded our Turkish Airlines flight to JFK and arrived in the city at 2:35 pm. We came back to a rude airport employee yelling at the non-native visitors of the country to learn how to listen and to get into a line. It was so unnecessary since going down the escalators would bring them to the visitors' line to get through customs. What a first impression to leave them. What a homecoming. Aarati picked us up and drove me to Port Authority, and I met up with Jessie at Schnipper's for a veggie burger before getting on the bus to NJ.

People ask me about my trip and I never know what to say because I am unsure how specific they want me to be. It is frustrating for me to start telling a story and to have it interrupted or feel like I have been talking too much. I have always been better at writing than speaking, so I will try to be brief and you can skim as you please.
---
These five weeks went by too fast. Upon arriving in Nairobi, we hopped on a 7 hour bus ride to Moshi, Tanzania, where Babu Msuya drove us to the Kilimanjaro Backpackers hostel. Samwell was the super sweet receptionist, teaching us some Ki-Swahili phrases before showing us to our room. The rooms were small, but supplied all we really needed, which were beds and mosquito nets. I prayed I would not get malaria as mosquitoes have always had a certain taste for my blood. Despite being bitten a lot during the whole trip, my daily dose of Malarone seemed to hold off any parasites dwelling in my blood. We took the long ride to Kilema, the village where the Orphans of Kilimanjaro resided. Babu Bob, Vishal, Chirag, Obadia, Gloria, Lily, Pascal, Godfrey, little Godfrey and Mama Flora immediately welcomed us upon arrival. Savita and I shared one and Manan stayed down the hall. After introductions, we played Crazy Eights/Last Cardi with Godfrey, Pascal, Obi, etc until dinner, which consisted of avocado, green beans, potatoes, cabbage and bananas. Everything was so delicious. The hot shower afterward was so welcomed and needed.

The next day, we went to Moonjo Waterfall and most of us jumped off the cliff into the water. It was so beautiful there. One moment that stuck with me was when Manan jumped without his glasses, and on the bottom Savita and I talked about getting them for him. Godfrey, without saying a word, swiftly floated across the slippery rocks, ran up the steep steps and down the dirt path to get them for us. It was so heartwarming that it bonded us (at least in my mind).

July 1 was the day Godfrey left for boarding school. It was so sad. He was so nervous in the days leading up to that day. I remember after watching him play football with his friends, I asked him if the other kids were his best friends. He said no they were just kids from the village, and that I was his best friend. It was probably a lie, but it reinforced the notion he was kinda my favorite (not that I should have had one). On the day before he left, we passed him coming back to Kilema as he was going where we had come. After expressing surprise he was going alone, Godfrey asked me if I wanted to go with him to buy new shoes - it took effort to say no to him (I was exhausted since we walked back from Marangu instead of taking the dolla dolla). I never wanted to deny anything these kids ask of me... I wished I could give these kids whatever they needed. Leaving him at his new school was  sad that day - he walked up to a tree and with one arm leaned up against it as he dropped his head and stared at the ground. Acting as a helicopter mom, I yelled his name and told him to meet people; he barely looked up. He came back July 5 to get something and we got to catch up about how he was doing... he seemed so tired and silent. I told him to make friends he actually had to TALK to people. He simply said, "ok" as a response to appease me even though we both knew he probably would not. Godfrey repeated over and over that he is shy;  making new friends was hard for him. I wanted to walk him back the next morning, but he dramatically said he wanted to go alone. Before we parted ways, he made me pinky swear that I would visit. I did good on my promise. It was totally worth seeing him happier when we showed up.

In the next couple of weeks, we toured Maua (a self-sufficient community of nuns where they farmed crops, raised animals, and generated their own energy), revisited Moonjo, climbed and re-climbed a hill with a gazebo overlooking the towns and Kili in the distance, scaled the steep hill to Lasso (as practice for Kili), watched the Lion King, played cards with or without electricity, and I had my questionnaire translated. For my project about nutrition status, we asked local villagers in the area as well as at the HIV clinic in the Marangu Hospital, which was a short dolla dolla ride away. The rides on those things are a whole other story. Think about a van and cramming 20 people in there. There are people hanging out the opened door or out the windows. The idea of personal space is nonexistent, yet it might have been better that way since the ride is incredibly bumpy. Being packed like sardines keeps you secure in your position. Driving on the roads in Istanbul and in America was weird; I was no longer used to the lack of feeling like I was on a roller coaster.

One weekend, we took connecting bus rides lasting 8 hours to Pangani, which was BEAUTIFUL. We stayed at a hostel and ate delicious seafood and drank over long conversations. We met Kassim, a rasta man, and Hanku, a South African 19 year old, who walked with us along the beach and taught us about constellations before taking us to a ship yard party. Then we went to a disco, which was fun as we danced the night away. Unfortunately, Swetha had her purse strap cut with a knife, and the thief ran with her bag into the dark labyrinth of alleys. Although it was a downer on the atmosphere, luckily no one was hurt and everything was replaceable. As the saying goes, "Siku za mwizi ni arobaini"  meaning the days of the thief are forty - he will get caught sooner or later. The next day, we sat on the back of a cattle truck and rode for 2.5 uncomfortable hours to Sange Beach, where we had a long strip of ocean completely to ourselves. Mohammad, the caretaker, cut us coconuts to drink and we swam in the Indian Ocean while looking for seashells. The long transit time was quickly forgotten when we stared at the palm trees and sunset reflecting in the water. The food was also incredible as we ate fresh fish, coconut rice, vegetables in tomato-based sauce and chipatis smothered with nutella.

With a snap of a finger, three weeks disappeared. We prepared for our ascent up Mount Kilimanjaro. Our guides were Nelson and Exaudi. Mosses, a 24 year old student at Dodoma University who we quickly befriended in Kilema came with us. Before we knew it, the 7 of us started climbing up the tallest free standing mountain in Africa. Day 1 consisted of a 3 hour hike to Mandara Hut. Day 2, a 5 hour hike to Horombo Hut. We took a day to acclimatize and hiked to the Zebra Rocks and back. Day 4, we made it to Kibo Hut around 2 pm. We barely napped and barely ate, but at 11 pm, we got ready to climb to the peak. Departing at midnight, we took one step in front of the other and made it to Gilman's Point at 4 or so. It was the hardest leg of the journey... where looking up would kill your motivation and all you could do was look straight in front of you until someone told you to sit down for a scheduled break. Then we walked along the ridge (with quiet fears that I would trip and roll down the cliff) until we reached Uhuru Peak - 5,895 meters above sea level - at 6 am. We watched the orange glow of the sunrise, took a few pictures, appreciated the melting glaciers and climbed back down to Kibo. We napped for a few hours and then left for Horombo Hut again to finish off Day 5. The last day, Day 6, we passed through Mandara for a break and then went back to Marangu Gate. We got our certificates of completion and had lunch/dinner at 5 pm though we had not eaten since 7 am. It was so a joy to have done it, but the excitement was dulled by our hunger. Arriving at home around 7 - there was no power so we sadly took warm bucket showers. Regardless of being tired, grumpy, and dirty, it was so nice to be back with the people we cared about.

It was short lived since we had to get up at 6 am the next morning to leave for the Serengeti. Good Luck picked us up and brought us to the Moshi office for Mapengo to drive us to the national park. The Toyota LandCruiser looked like a giant toy car, and unluckily functioned like one. It broke down 4 times and we had to get out and push - once among the gazelle and ostriches. It was a good thing no hungry lions were near. The campsite was nice except for all the swarming bees during meals and the unseen whooping hyenas  during the night. When we went to the WC, we saw our first African Buffalo in the distance - I love how they run with their noses in the air like Ferdinand the Bull. The next day, we got a new car and driver, Tuma, to take us out. We saw the Maasai people herding their livestock, giraffes munching on acacia trees, elephants pushing their stumbling young across roads, lions ripping apart fallen zebras, a leopard pulling up a limp antelope into a tree for lunch, gazelles grazing on the dry grass, cheetahs lazily sleeping under trees or on mounds, birds flying or perching on huge trees, hippos and crocodiles drifting in ponds, as well as zebras and wildebeest co-existing in the endless plains. It was all so breath-taking. The next day, we left for Ngorogoro Crater where we saw animals from the day before but also two of the remaining 28 BLACK RHINO in the crater. There was the awesome soda Lake Makat that looked like it was bubbling over. By then, we saw the Big Five (buffalo, elephant, leopard, lion, and rhino) as well as the other four that make up the Big Nine (cheetah, zebra, giraffe and hippo)!! The last day, we drove by Lake Manyara and saw pink streaks of flamingos on our way to Tarangire National Park. We saw the same things in addition to the baobab tree and headed home. It was a relief to put our bags down and hang out with the kids for a couple of days. I got to visit Godfrey the day before we left but unfortunately, the headmaster was not there to give us permission so we were not allowed to talk to him for even five minutes. We said our good-byes, and Godfrey said he will e-mail me when he can.

We left for Nairobi on the 25th and hung out with Manan's uncle and his family. We had Indian food at the local shopping center and headed out to Istanbul the next morning. Turkey was so beautiful. We stayed at the Agora Hostel and ate at Doy Doy, which was so delicious and affordable compared to surrounding restaurants. We each paid 10 TL for huge pizzas and drinks. The exchange rate was 1.69 TL to 1 USD, but still, we were spoiled by our 1500 TSH meals (which roughly equaled to 1 USD) in Africa. We spent the night on the roof overlooking the Blue Mosque and met two New Zealanders who went out to eat with us. The next morning we had the most amazing complimentary breakfast with hard boiled eggs, fresh bread, feta cheese, olives, tomatoes, cucumbers, granola, dried fig, cake, coffee, orange juice, and Greek yogurt. It was AMAZING and also a welcomed change to the delicious but repetitive Tanzanian food we had been eating for five weeks. We went to the famous Blue Mosque (free) and admired the stained glass and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Across the street was the  Hagia Sophia (20 TL) to visit the beautiful and old architecture from the 530s. Then we went to the Basilica Cistern (10 TL), the underground water filtration system, of ancient Constantinople, before lunch. The waiter reminded me of a Turkish Diego Luna, so cute and charming as he kissed my hand when we left. After eating, we went to the Topkapi Palace (20 TL) to see the sword and cloak of the prophet Muhammed. There were also his hair, teeth, and a cast of his footprint. Moses's staff (though it looked like a replica), Abraham's turban, Joseph's sauce pan, and other amazingly historical objects were on display after we ooh'ed and ah'ed at the sultan's clothes and jewels. I can't imagine having a mini chest of emeralds for kicks like the one we saw. Everything was so ornate. Around 6, we left and searched for the Grand Bazaar for souvenirs though the stores were overpriced compared to street vendors. We met Hassan who later took us around and bought us pistachio baklava. Getting home from the restaurant where we had raki required walking for a long time (at least we saw the Waldorf Palace) and bartering with a taxi driver when we missed the last metro... but we made it home!

The Turkish Airlines flight was amazing with its complimentary socks, blanket, earplugs, toothbrush, wine and extensive entertainment selection. Lunch and dinner were so delicious with its fresh bread, yogurt, veggies, hummus, and dessert... best flight ever.
 ---
So in summary, I'm simply in reverse culture shock from this perfect summer with Savita, Manan, Swetha, Vishal, Chirag, Godfrey(s), Pascal, Obi, Lily, Gloria, Calvin, Innocent, Razaki (the cranky 20 month baby who only let me hold him when I had sweets)... and even Peter and Paul (the too cool for school boys, possibly wezis, who kept to themselves). Talk about separation anxiety... I could not have dreamed up a better way to spend the last real summer holiday of my life.

gray or blue

-jaymay

such a cute song.

...as I sit in Starbucks overlooking Madison Avenue's river that has formed as a result of the current downpour, I feel so at peace.

Last night, I greeted Rachel at Penn Plaza as she finished taking her GREs. We sat and talked for over an hour before walking around the city streets. Then we parted ways as I met up with Anjali, Meera, Karen, Liz and Emily at May's Sushi on 2nd Avenue and 7th Street. I had the color roll and avocado roll over lots of laughs and good conversation. Then around 9:30, Liz and I headed out to our respective upper sides of Manhattan. I got to Rachel's apartment and we watched Timers. We had the best time talking about life and love, especially when we were joined by Kathryn and Christina! It is amazing how things are so simple with some.

I woke up at 10:30 and had some Fiber One (caramel delight) with soy milk and some of the prunes I had in my bag. Then I headed downtown to meet up with Alexa for lunch at Momofuku's Ma Peche in midtown. It was DELICIOUS - we split the tofu summer rolls and I had the shrimp po boy on a French baguette with a light creamy sauce, topped with basil and cilantro. Then we had Starbuck's tiramisu cake pops for dessert. I have never been so satisfied with the quality of food - so fresh and tasty. Next stop, the Momofuku Ssam Bar when we are reunited in August (so close to checking them all off the list)!

I may stop by my old job and hang out with my old co-workers over a beer before going to potluck at my old apartment. I cannot wait to hang out with Emily, Meera, Liz, Karen, and my cousin Judy with special guests Derek and Joe from DMS haha. Then, maybe even have a throwback as we reminisce at Phebe's where we had gone during our old NYU days.

The rain stopped! It is time to go back out and take in the city...

It is hard to believe I have just finished my first year of medical school. It was so grueling but I am sure when I look back, I will not recall the long days and nights at the Dana Biomedical Library, but the wonderful times with friends as we had potlucks, watched movies, roasted marshmellows, played games, hung out in cabins, toppled over during yoga, and bonded over bonfires. I am grateful for this fact. I am so grateful I did not simply lock myself up in an academic bubble to have nothing to look back on but a flawless transcript. There are more important things to me.

Yesterday, after the last final, I played tennis with Reid before packing and cleaning. I had some people over for dinner and it was wonderful. I made a coconut curry corn soup with Chris's tofu, Menaka's nutella that we made into a soupy nutella peanut butter brownie ("UCLA had brownie goop - you guys didn't have this at your dining halls?" - I still think they were just serving you underbaked brownies, love), Christine's salad, Lily's baguette, Jyothi's asparagus, Kai's cous cous dish and Wes's red wine. Then I finished cleaning and packing to prepare my room for my subletter. At 10, Menaka and I went to Ken and David's for their end of the year party. So wonderful to see everyone one last time. I ended my night on top of Gilman at the greenhouse while watching stars and engaged in philosophical conversation. What a lovely way to remember my year in Hanover.

This morning, David picked me up and with Cindy, we went to New York. AH. Leaving was the right decision, I was frustrated at the traffic and crazy pedestrians and detours and lack of public spaces to just sit so I could read. But all in all, the memories and people here will forever have my heart.

I want to finish House of God by the end of the weekend while on the beach the ENTIRE time and then Poisonwood Bible by the end of my lengthy flight to Tanzania. Wow. It is all happening so fast.

septal rage

thunderstorms are scary at night when you are the only person as far as you can see. and as you peddle down a large empty road, the whole sky lights up by the lightening that threatens to strike you (like a lesion to the septal nucleus). jumping into bed last night was perfectly timed as i heard the roar of downpour and the rumble of thunder from the safety of my own home.

medical school has been wearing down on me as rote memorization is hardly my forte. i have to remind myself that this is not what matters 5 years from now. that these little molecules and specific pathways are not as important as building relationships (as well as asking what kinds of allergies patients have). joe says i have good people skills; i'll take his word for it.
---
side note, ashley, just think ____-ing. i know it's hard, but you deserve to get what you want even if it is in a different form.

You know you're not over it when...

You keep talking about it
You say that you're over it
Your heart skips a beat at the sight or mention of it...

It's better not to waste time wondering "why not me?" and to live a happy life so that the next time, it will be.

SCAMS.

I posted my room on the graduate housing site for a subletter, and this is what I received after I confirmed the room is available:

Hello, 
Good to read back from you...Am glad that the place is available, am currently in Galway , Ireland, i will be coming there to further my education, so i will be coming there for my move in as soon as the space is ready for move in...But i will not be coming there to look at the room due to distance, and i would love to call you but my phone just got disconnected and i dont want to reconnect it cuz i will be relocating soon, but my step dad will call you asap, however if you have the pics of the room you can send it to me so that i can see the place and send it to my step dad to see it as well, Meanwhile let me tell you a little about myself. Am Belinda Martins and am 23years old i lost my dad some years back when i was young so my mom had to remarry, so she got married to Mr Richard Harly who is my step dad now he is a very busy business man. He has been the one who has been taking care of me all this while i believe he is a God sent to me cux i have never regretted a moment with him. I lobe reading,swimming and chatting with people around me and also make them happy. I have always been thinking of how i will affect peoples life positively by making donations to the less privileges cus when i looked at my pass when i lost my dad from the story my mom told me. I noticed it is not easy for people that has no parent. Presently i donate to (W.H.O) for the support of the motherless home. Although i donate little amount, but no amount is too small to help..Well i hope when we meet in person you will know more about me. Meanwhile my step dad will need the followings information to make payment to you ASAP 
1....Your name in full 
2...your Address in full with the zip code 
3.....Your phone number.
I wait to have this information from you so that my step dad can make payment for the rental fee and security deposit in advance.

Thanks
Belinda

belinda.martins1@att.net

It is a scam because no one posts their entire life story, a sad one nevertheless, to a perfect stranger! BEWARE!

"Si vis amari, ama."

-Annaeus Seneca

jdb, you have been like a second father to me. i hope for you the strength to recover so that you can continue to joke, laugh, teach, understand us, and bring joy into our lives. it is obvious why so many people love you and are holding their breaths for you to walk out the hospital doors - you have done nothing but love others.

i stand in awe of those who suffer so much but never complain. 

be kind - you simply do not know what other people are going through. simple kindergarten etiquette: treat others how you would like to be treated.

Autoantibodies to thyroglobulin results in Hashimoto's thyroiditis

English word of the day: slaver = to slobber or to drool
French word of the day: enquêter = investigator
Spanish word of the day: el/la abuelo/a = grandfather/mother
(courtesy of my iGoogle gadgets)

There have been a few instances when I am with two other people and I notice that one is trying to tell the other person something, but he or she isn't listening. I only notice because I am aware of the information that is trying to be communicated.

It is often quietly said. It is often subtly conveyed. People want to open up to you and will if you let them.

I took a walk down S. Main St today and this kind elderly couple let me pass. As they drove by, they wished me good luck on my test because they noticed my flashcards in hand. I love small town life.

I somehow had all the ingredients to make this: http://www.chinese-food-delight.com/sweet-potato-soup-recipe.html -- I feel it is a good elixir to have whilst studying.

"say you'll be there"

-spice girls

i think they said it best. all one really needs is patience and constancy.

despite whatever i say or do (within reasonable limits), i need to feel like i'm not being judged and that you'll be there through those rougher times. you don't need to be oprah, but i'll appreciate the acknowledgement.

actually, during my last preceptor visit today, i had spent 45 minutes with a patient who started off our interaction with: i don't want to be here. and with all her bad experiences with doctors and hospitals - i simply listened (i'm a first year, what else can i do?). at the very end she actually felt heard. she even thanked me for coming in to talk to her. it was really amazing to be reminded why i'm doing this.

next recipe i'm thinking about putting together: baked curry carrot latkes

2 lbs shredded potatoes (it's therapeutic to grate it and squeeze the excess liquid out), a few shredded carrots, 2 eggs, salt, pepper, curry powder, 1/4 cup of cornstarch, 1/4 teaspoon baking powder

preheat oven to 425, mix all the ingredients together, plop them on greased baking sheet, cook for 15 minutes and then turn them over for another 15 or so. i know it's taboo, but i really like it with ketchup. i bet plain yogurt or sour cream would be good, too.

"i'm keeping my head in the clouds...

... and it's not so tragic if i don't look down."
-La Roux

sometimes i find solace that the sky seems to feel the way i do.

as well as:
yoga sessions that work me out,
big hugs from certain people,
phone calls with meera on walks home or savita shadily in stairwells,
study sessions with menaka and ashley,
and walks with ice cream and people like beth
:)

currently listening to penguin cafe orchestra...

[friday night] shabbat 400 dinner with surprise guest, sarah drew of grey's anatomy fame was pretty neat, and the food was fantastic. the company was lovely as i sat with thomas, david, nick, allie, and marco. it was a very welcoming and delicious experience.

[yesterday] was spectacular. finally went grocery shopping for the first time in many weeks. then studied until dinner - mexican casserole with beans, corn, cheese, tomatoes, salsa, sour cream... and chips and salsa. guac. exotic vegetable chips (my favorite ones are the sweet potato chips). chocolate chip cookies with frozen almonds and expresso ice cream. i'll be going to the gym tomorrow...

the company was wonderful - we laughed until our stomachs hurt.

then on the way out, instead of running in the rain, i was picked up at the door. chivalry is absolutely alive and well.

[today] was rainy. i woke up and baked latkes for my housemate, thomas, and my breakfast. he made scrambled eggs and we split a blueberry bagel. the latke was so good, especially with applesauce. then i baked granola bars with oatmeal, soymilk, raisins, peanut butter and an egg. it was pretty good - too bad i didn't have chocolate chips though, they would have made the recipe perfect. erin picked me up for lunch at umpleby's and we chatted about all sorts of things. i got dropped off at the gym and ran in my usual sun-lit corner. i walked home in the rain - there was a magical component to it.

i can't say that...

...i am content anywhere. i need sun and the ocean near me. with british accents preferably. sometimes people need to be in the right environment to shine - i can understand that.
...i can always get along with everyone. i wish i could (or at least not wear my emotions so readily on my face).
...you have a bad attitude. you might simply be having a bad day.
...i will always be in a good mood. please excuse me - and i will certainly understand when you need space.
...i could ever cheat because i will never be with someone just to be with them. i wouldn't want anyone else.
...you're close-minded because you're "too" religious or republican or liberal. i've met people who were but just as many who were not.
...your intentions are good enough. actions speak louder than words. if you want to, why don't you? what's the worst that can happen - especially if the worst is already happening: nothing. at least you would know.
...i expect you to be perfect. because no one is.

"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts."

-Charles Dickens

Unconditional love is such a privilege. I used to think that my mom loves me because she must, but that is not true at all. She has an amazing heart with tremendous patience. I do not know if even I could have handled me during my teenage years.

To go through everything she has gone through and still have such optimism and love every day is inspiring. I am sure there are people with better or unfortunately, worse, parental relationships, but I hope you show appreciation to your mom on Mother's Day tomorrow.

unexpectations

today was SO lovely in more ways than just the unexpected sunny weather that was originally forecasted for rain.

i unexpectedly woke up early at 6 to the sun so bright streaming through the window (after 8 hours of sleep because i passed at 1030 last night). i slowly sipped my green tea while reading through some notes.

class was really entertaining, i enjoyed dr. taylor's talk about gonorrhea, despite its seriousness. lab ended way early, but i was happy to identify salmonella and pseudomonas. i was unexpectedly asked to go on a short walk in between classes, which was incredibly beautiful with the trees blossoming, the grass greening, and the sky crystal clear.

then, emily unexpectedly told me she wanted to come visit on memorial day weekend, which made my day.

when i went to get coffee just now, the cashier unexpectedly told me it was on the house. as i stopped by the biochem office, there was pizza (that i shared with quynh), some sort of apple dessert (that i didn't share quite so much) and chocolate (that i tossed to tessa) waiting for me. amazing!

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first you wouldn’t have fallen for the second."

-Johnny Depp

Today was so perfect, waking up and eating breakfast was lovely as I saw the weather forecast at a high of 64 degrees. Tomorrow it's going to break 70! Bacteriology was interesting and lab was short. Menaka and I studied independently and then went to the SBM talk with Dr. N. He's so eloquent. Then I went to DHMC to study and prepare for my OSCE at 6. After Jocelyn drove me home, I went to the gym and ran and ran and ran. It felt really good as I tried learning all those pesky pathways of the thalamic nuclei.

Last night Bri showed us how to do a headstand, so I've been practicing. I am going to succeed without the help of a wall, too.

savasana

inhale.
exhale.
clear your mind.
focus on the breath.
inhale.
exhale.

yoga tonight was relaxing. and i'm so happy for the people in my life. i think with a combination of productivity and talking to the right people - i've finally found my balance. i no longer feel in limbo. plus, the sun came out (though unfortunately, i got my first mosquito bite in hanover today - in the most inconvenient location)

thank goodness for chelsea's matzah ball soup.

"i'm sorry i'm dropping the ball."

"that's ok, i'm here to catch it."
-a

with some people, conversations flow so easily. do you know why? because when you ask a question, that person usually asks you one in return.

"how are you?"

yesterday as i sat in my one-sie, looking over the chemical senses lecture, someone i met but rarely talk to came up to say hi. we talked about the small things and suddenly out poured the past 15 months of this person's hardship. it was really incredible to talk and encourage - both of us knowing that he or she will be just fine.

Happy birthday Becky and Natalie!

"dignity is more important than wealth."
-dr. donavon at an ethics talk

takeaway points:

you can't expect sustainability without the input of the people you're trying to help.

a little well thought action is better than nothing or a even worse, a rash impulse.
---
just because phi makes awesome mixes
http://soundcloud.com/phiunit/homeremix#

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAVITA

"Starlight is right at threshold for rods to detect but not cones. Out in periphery, you can detect bright stars with rods but when you turn to look at it, you see stars with fovea (mainly cones) and they seem to disappear when you look at them directly."
 -Dr. Maui

This information kind of makes me sad...

"if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently"

-david foster wallace

today was a learning day. i browsed in bed. i studied in my seat. even in dogward facing dog, i dug through my notes. all the while, i was snacking and listening to music. at a good breaking point, i headed out to the gym but realized it was the most beautiful day in hanover that i could remember. i ran back to my house after walking half a block, threw my microbiology book down, and went for a run. though, i shouldn't have run so soon after eating because i cramped hardcore. regardless, since my mood is heavily influenced by weather, i was happy.

now it's pouring outside my window, and i have to admit that i love the sound of the pitter patter of rain drops. it also reinforces the notion to do things while you can... because who knows what could happen in just a few hours.
---
per sergey's recommendation: david foster wallace's commencement speech, kenyon 2005
http://publicnoises.blogspot.com/2009/05/david-foster-wallace-kenyon.html

"drinking on a monday night leads you to alcoholism. drinking on a friday night leads you to a good time."

-sergey, as he tried to get me to go out tonight instead of after my monday test

i always laugh when i'm at home. it's awesome.

i skipped neuro today and tried to study as i drank coffee. i went to class at 10 am;  pathology lab is fun when you find everything you are looking for, esp with johann, marco, beth, yike, htet, jess, victor, kevin, menaka and brittany around me... oh that pink proteinacious fluid in edema. as johann would say, "that is hot."

then i went to the library and studied until i got spacey. it happens often these days as the weather gets sunnier and the days longer. jon showed me pictures of his babies, and they made me gush. both of his kids are so adorable with chubby cheeks and big ol' eyes. i went to the alumni council heart rounds and hung out with fellow classmate, joe and dr. ann davis while drinking water and snacking on hors d'oeuvres before going to the gym and running while studying the antibiotics.

so many familiar faces - it was a party there! who knew dana library and the gym would be such happening places.

tough love

there are three things i was reminded about:
1. no one is going to hold your hand. if you want to do something, just do it. learn along the way.

2. my family and friends have a wonderful sense of character. they always call people out on whether they are trustworthy, sketchy, or a bit off - whatever the case is. i always give those suspect people a chance despite any advice received. i should stop that because i'm generally wrong.

3. when you think of something painful, you think of something bad. but pain is necessary for your survival. it teaches you to stay away from it next time.

"you do you, and imma do me."

-prostitute on the subway that savita overheard arguing with a businessman who was lecturing her

whenever you start a new friendship or whatever, it should be a relationship that benefits both of you. if not, the imbalance will weigh on you. maybe you can bear it for a little, but there comes a point when you just have to cut the cord. after all, you deserve to have what you want... life is way too short.

it's just not worth the mental angst to feel stressed about people who don't feel the same way about you.

"If my life is mine. What shouldn't I do?"

-metric

for class we had to attend an aa meeting. it was really cool to hear people share their stories. i can't imagine the constant internal struggle. bravo for taking the steps to be where you want to be in your own life.

"honesty still fascinates me everyday."
-aa member

these days, i have been feeling confused but i think it is best to just go with the flow. afterall, being conflicted means i have a choice between two things. i don't necessarily think that is the case. so i guess each day brings a new scenario and the only thing i can control is my own reaction.

"a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

-malcolm x quoted by biggy

oh man, i don't know what it is about the beginning of spring, but i have been unable to sit inside and study. i just want to be outside all the time. i was about to borrow paul's id to go to the gym, but he and wade convinced me to go running outside. on my way i home, i saw familiar faces in addition to a lady looking for her little daughter's blue shoes. i walked like a quarter mile back up the road to find them because i had seen them. so cute. running was good, i cannot wait until it gets even warmer.

i feel like i have all the people i need to feel balanced, so life is so good right now. yesterday, nick let me borrow his car and i drove to norwich to a professor's farm. it was amazing, he and his wife are so graceful. today, i didn't do much but hopefully i can get some work done before i pass out at 11. i can't wait until tomorrow for an afternoon off and possibly a frosty run at wendy's. then thursday, i think i'm going to make up an on doc visit with my preceptor that i missed. friday, i am so excited for breakfast for dinner with quynh and then a movie night with some other kids.

to put it in another way, je suis content.

bienvenidos a miami!

this past week has been perfect.

any week would be perfect when it is sunny and 80 everyday. last saturday, after a delicious potluck with erin, alex and nick and our bellies filled with erin's remake of cosi's signature salad, alex's penne with shrimp and my coconut curry soup, i got ready to leave for the sunshine state. paul picked me, judy and regina up around 4 am. we drove to boston and watched the sunrise for the first time in a while. we boarded our flight to newark where savita hopped aboard. then flew into fort lauderdale where aly and her parents picked us up. i don't even remember what we did, but i'm sure there was food and blue valentine were involved.

monday, we went to camillus house where we distributed food to the people who needed it. at 12:30, sira picked me up and we went to 86th ave where i shadowed in a clinic at a strip mall by a jerkin' chicken restaurant. my preceptor was so cool, he taught me a lot about diabetes patients as well as patients with vaginitis (in the form of uti, trichomonas, chlamydia, etc) since those were the two main types of patients we saw. at 6, aly picked me up and we ate dinner at her house. the other girls went shopping while savita and i took a walk... to the liquor store. then, we went to south beach and hung out with savita's friends who were around at mango's.

tuesday, we went to ahec orientation and then lunch at a asian buffet where i had so much good sushi and veggies with red bean ice cream and a couple bites of tiramisu for dessert. we went to topwa and waited around for the mobile unit on a picnic bench in the parking area for awhile and then went to a neighborhood in little haiti. most of the residents were at work but there were some who come in to get their vitals checked. we tried to recruit people as we played with the cute neighborhood dogs. then we went to the u miami student clinic which was pretty cool except we didn't do much because we were not allowed to touch the patients. we left at 7 and then watched tangled after dinner. i passed out before it ended, but it seemed super cute.

wednesday, we went to a school founded by a miami heat basketball player to teach the kids about health. i was so dumb when i told them that a pharmacist gave out drugs. a little boy asked me if they were the good kind or the bad kind. DOH. but other than that, they were super smart and were very engaged in our little lesson. then we went to lourdes where aly graduated high school. the girls were enthusiastic, which made it so fun. then we went to south beach and tanned while chatting about whatever. we  had dinner at tap tap, a haitian restaurant which was DELICIOUS. it was really fun to just be goofy, too :) especially after, when we were walking around, 2 18-yo looking kids asked what we were doing tonight and wanted us to go to some apt party with them. they tried to lure us with their alleged greygoose that in no way shape or form could have fit into their little rolling cooler. we said goodbye and went to wet willie's. after a few daiquiris, reg and judy posed with the tree in provocative ways. amazing.

thursday, we went to lourdes and then the other girls went shopping while savita and i stayed in aly's backyard in the sun. shawn met us for dinner at carreta's for cuban food. the waiter must have hated me because i couldn't eat anything on the menu. i ended up ordering avocado salad with a side of steamed veggies and sweet plaintains with a glass of sangria. it was wonderful and when we got home, i fell asleep before the intro was done playing for easy a.

friday, we had a panel discussion with pre-med students. they had really awesome questions and were receptive to what we were saying. i enjoyed it a lot. we went back to aly's house where miriam made mango smoothies and i ate my leftovers for lunch. aly and i watched glee as the other girls sat outside by the pool. then we went to bombay darbar for indian food since that was the last ethnic food we had yet to have (asian, haitian, cuban.. haha - not on purpose, but by then, we had to get it). i had the chana masala with garlic naan. so good, especially with the few sips of mango lassi i had of savita's. then we chilled at the house and started to watch harry potter 7, part 1. we all started to pass out around 11 so we ended it early. waking up at 5 am on saturday was difficult, but we slept on the car ride to the airport, on the plane ride to philly, on the plane ride to boston, on the bus ride to hanover... i can't believe how fast the week went. going home to hang out with erin and dan was fun while watching sex and the city with shredded mini wheat smothered with nutella..

today i woke up after 8 hours and got my life in order for the coming semester. nadia picked me up and we had lunch at panera's to bond. it was lovely. and then i got home and watched tv as i chilled before making roasted herb and curry potatoes for the bbq at alex and nick's. i loved the peppers, sweet potato fries, tilapia, chips and salsa, sauteed mushrooms, and guinness. everyone caught up with everyone else which was AWESOME. i had so much fun. quynh drove me home and we got to spend some solid time together tonight, which was overdue.

i got 99 problems but a b----- ain't one!

-jay z

biochem final done! (and it actually only had 54 problems)

i'm going to miss the class though, the course was so straightforward (usually). i appreciated the questions that came from the usmle practice question powerpoint. oh, and i can't forget the breakfast they provide during their finals. sigh. the apple, banana and coffee were wonderful during the test.

then i took a practice quiz in the hae office as a "break" considering i am going to a dinner and yoga class tonight when i don't know endocrine physiology nearly as well as i should. i said hello to dr. catlin on my way in and then to dr. swenson on his way in and then dr. fabricant followed, who reminded me the phrenic nerve lays on top of the anterior scalene muscle.

dr. j. lyons strolls through and asks me if i want eggs. huh? what do you mean? then he hands me 6 eggs from his farm, newly laid by his chickens. hahahah it was the BEST moment of the day.

plus my 6-pack skippy chunky pb came in. glorious.

procrastination

[11:22 am] using the ingredients in my house, i made:
http://vegetarian.about.com/od/desertrecipes/r/oatcrancookies.htm

but instead of soy milk, i used skim milk + 2 tsp butter (which i got off a recipes substitution site). i chose the vegan recipe since i don't have eggs! i'll let you know how these turn out...

and then hopefully for dinner, i will make something like this coconut curry soup with carrots:
http://delightfuldelicacies.blogspot.com/2011/01/carrot-coconut-curry-soup.html

and then after dinner, i'll go to the gym. haha
 ---
[now] the cookies were SO good. plus sergey and i went to the tedxdartmouth event at spaulding and had a delicious lunch consisting of a greek plate plus a huge brownie with my third cup of coffee. delicious.

i studied at baker but it was unproductive since i was about to fall asleep. i went to the gym and then went home to make rice pudding with raisins and walnuts topped with some cinnamon.

next recipe: http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/001570.html
mmm pesto.

"i could wile away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers. consultin' with the rain, and my head I'd be scratchin'."

-the scarecrow, wizard of oz (but also how i feel about studying for finals)

today i went to class and retained a lot of the big concepts i learned. it probably won't help me for the final - because i don't remember the specific activities of each drug or the mechanisms of how they work. however, i enjoyed the two hours of metabolism, especially when dr. higgs sang about the liver in the tune of "if i only had a brain". during on doc, we practiced the physical exam on each other. ashley and i had a good time keeping it light but doing what we had to do. i can't imagine a better partner with whom to find the pmi ;)

then lunch time was fun at the library. it seemed like EVERYONE was there. i sat with wade, nick, menaka, lily and nicole... i shared my pocketful of chocolate. did you know they had coconut m&ms? so delicious. i am going to pretend it had real coconut and the medium fats i may need in my diet. pretending.

anatomy was lovely - i enjoyed learning about the neck and thyroid with dr. fab. he is a genuinely nice man, and i appreciated his closing remarks. it's so weird that so many things are coming to an end. i will truly miss the organization and thought that the anatomy dept obviously put into teaching us. umpleby's with kirsten and kyle was fun as we ate some of my loaf haha. then i ran off to study some physio before meeting chelsea at the gym! perfect day - i might not have done all that i could to study, but i did what i could to maintain a healthy mentality.

"The absence of muscle glycogen synthase results in HCM...

In this pedigree, the proband is a 10 year old boy who died of a recessive mutation leading to abnormal glycogen synthase. You can see his parents were first cousins.

...that is why you don't do that."

-Dr. Higgs

"what would you do if your son was at home...?"

-city high

what a perfect day.

woke up early without an alarm clock
went to the gym
baked cookies
got to hang out in norwich with awesome people
pet therapy with lucy and the other pup, whose name i can't remember
ate homemade naan with cucumber, tahini, curry paste, yogurt, eggplant, and mango.
hiked in the snow
drank jack and coke
sat on a heated kitchen floor
listened to kanye's new album whilst on the heated floor
sat by a roaring fireplace
played a charades-like game (girls won btw)
ate homemade pasta (by brooks and kristin)
listened to old school hip hop (eve, city high, etc)
libby and margaret's bday party

---good night.

44 degrees in a snow-covered hanover

today i looked outside my window to see the melting snow and ice from the roof drip down from up. it was gray and seemed like it was actually raining. then suddenly, the clouds that concealed the sun moved. the day brightened immediately. it was the same situation - i was still looking at the water splash into a puddle, but suddenly, my outlook improved. at that moment, i thought that i should do that more often.

we all can.

we can look on the bright side of things even when things suck. we cannot expect things to run perfectly all the time. even if we did, we can't control it. however, we can choose how to react. we can choose to be graceful and pick ourselves up with the same confidence as when things seem to be ideal.

who knows, maybe in one of those instances, you'll be exposed to a snagged seam that reveals how perfect or imperfect things really are.

"Excelsior!"

Latin and archaic English word meaning "ever higher."

wow there really are 16 branches of the maxillary artery from the external carotid.

first part to bony processes
1. deep auricular artery
2. anterior tympanic artery through petrotympanic fissure
3. middle meningeal artery through foramen spinosum
4. accessory meningeal artery through foramen ovale
5. inferior alveolar artery through the inf alveolar foramen
   a. mylohyoid artery
   b. mental artery

second part to tissue/muscle
6. pterygoid artery
7. masseteric artery
8-9. deep temporal arteries (2)
10. buccal artery
   a. lingual artery

third pterygopalatine portion to bony structures
11. pharyngeal artery through pharyngeal canal to nasopharynx
12. descending palatine artery through greater palatine cana
   a. greater branches to hard palate
   b. lesser branches to soft palates
13. sphenopalatine artery (terminal branch) enters nose through sphenopalatine foramen
14. artery of pterygoid canal to nasopharynx
15. posterior superior alveolar artery branches as it enters the fissure and goes into maxilla
16. infraorbital artery enters orbit through fissure with anterior superior alveolar artery branching off

"We are gas guzzlers of animal world to generate heat, permitting us to live in NH for example."

-dr. scornik, on why substrate cycles are important despite not having net effects

lecture is going a bit slow. i wouldn't have come but i adore this professor as a person. he has a sense of humor that i appreciate.

i wish i had a zamboni to smooth over my completely frozen driveway so i could ice skate.

i rode in the back of a police car with chelsea last night after splitting a mediterranean pizza pie with her at ramunto's. the seat is PLASTIC, crazy.

i am going to healer's art and then to the ob/gyn interest group talk about abortion and then hosting a prospie today. i feel like it will be a long day.

this friday, school of seven bells is playing at fuel, which should be good.
 ---
"what would you want for yourself in terms of smoking?" "i would want cigarettes to disappear off the face of the earth." "oh, if they were made illegal?" "no, that would make them more interesting."
-nan, motivationally interviewing a smoker

"You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us."

-Can't Hardly Wait, 1999

yesterday i was walking home from the gym as the snow fell. i felt so small looking up into the vast black sky as little snowflakes seemingly appeared from nowhere. it was a nice moment.

i had cooked food with np kids for chinese new year from 4 pm - 9 pm and ate so much along the way (you know, not for the benefit of myself but for others - i had to make sure that it tasted good). so for my mental health, i went to the gym super late, but it was not good for my physical health as i was awake in my bed for 2 hours, unable to fall asleep. it's interesting to choose between two things that are not good for you. i guess in the long run, i would rather feel ok in my own skin than a little tired the next morning. i'll take a nap in the library later haha.

hep A...

me:  IM SCARED TO TOUCH MY FACE

 Sent at 3:02 PM on Saturday

elliot:  i would only be scared if my hands were covered in shit

 

touche.

"sleep is like dark matter... of the brain."

-sergey

1. nadia, i'm going over to the dark side.

2. sun neen fai lok.

3. i'm so sorry for the witzgall and budesa families. i can't imagine the pain you must feel; my heart aches reading about these boys, who were taken away too soon. it's been so long since we've spoken, ashley and michael, but you are in my thoughts.

new years resolutions

it might seem like it's late, but i'm just going with the lunar new year ;)

this year i will try not to complain as much.
i will appreciate what i have.
i will take the time to be outside, especially with people who make me happy.
i will make the time to stay in touch with people, but understand if things come up.
i will take each obstacle in stride, knowing that it might get better but it might not.. and i won't be able to do anything about it but accept it and react in a positive way. (this stems from the neurosurgeon who was commenting about the new system getting installed: you can't change it, you can only make it work for you).
i will be kind and not judge, because we all start somewhere. it is so much more graceful to be patient and understanding. everyone benefits (also from that neurosurgeon who taught me about the case even though i had not learned neural science or the rest of head and neck anatomy).
i will not give up sweets or other enjoyable things i like in order to study, but will take everything in moderation and not feel guilty.

and most importantly, i'll take what people tell me into consideration but will form my own opinions.

"click click click..."

-my heater that wakes me up at 4:30 every morning.

yesterday was so inspiring!
i shadowed my first operation. it was a BRAIN operation! the patient had an aneurysm that i watched the neurosurgeon clip. it lasted about 3 hours, and it was so cool with a non-scrubbed resident explaining everything to me. he went through the sylvian fissure and clipped the artery right at the anterior communicating artery of the circle of wilis :) then i went to the smith lunch, catered by jewel of india. it was so delicious. then a few of us went to molly's to meet adam, lily's fiance!! afterward i chilled out before going to heart rounds and ate pumpernickle bread smothered with seafood spread and loaded with peppers, broccoli and tomatoes, as i surrounded the food table by the corner with lauren, nick, dan and joe. liza made such good chocolate covered peanut butter ball things. and chelsea made delicious chocolate doused coconut macaroons.

"we ride together, we die together,

bad boys for life."

on another note, i saw a former biochem professor today.

he is quite a lovely man. i told him that i missed his class because metabolism just isn't the same. haha we always take for granted what we have that could be better. but we forget that things can always get worse. and with age, i'm starting to think that it will (especially learning about the eye today).

so live in the here, live in the moment. take the time to appreciate the people you're with and notice that they have grace in their actions. appreciate that you have the ability to bond over the little things. i'm starting to realize we're at the age where we only have so much emotional energy to spend on friends; if it isn't working - it's not worth the stress to make it work if it's easier with other people.

smil og nik (smile and nod in Danish)

Sometimes I take things too personally. If a certain stoic professor walks by with a polite smile and no other sign of familiarity, I can't help but think she dislikes me. Although I think Quynh, Dan, and Bijan may agree with me with this particular woman.

At least when strangers walk by and smile at me, I can't help but smile back.

Working with another person on a research proposal has been hard because it is in Uganda. I know what my interests are but I don't know what I am capable of completing in six weeks. If I am with Savita (and I think Meera should consider skipping out on NYC to come with us), I know the experience will be fine regardless of what we do. I like independence when I know what I am doing. But now I don't, I have never done this before. Thank goodness the third year I have been talking to called me today and told me I don't need to know every detail, just an idea that will adapt to the circumstances when I get there.

During On Doc, I finally got picked out of my slump. My preceptor is INSPIRING, just because she is kind and cares about everyone. It is so obvious. She lets me do with what I am most comfortable and allows me to push myself without applying pressure. I don't need to impress her because I know she will support me so that indirectly makes me internally motivated to impress her (does that make sense?). At home, Robert made a delicious meal of herb roasted potatoes and pork stuffed with feta and roasted red peppers WRAPPED IN BACON. hahah, I didn't eat it but it looked and smelled amazing. Then Sergey brought out his brandy-doused fruitcake and Wesley with Bailey's. I offered to make PBJ sandwiches, but no one wanted them hahah, but I did help Robert make the homemade whipped cream to mix with his Danish rice pudding and almonds.

Yoga was absolutely necessary tonight.

"...but the truth is that people learn from the people they love."

-David Brooks, The Social Animal

Meera posted a lovely article, and that sentence resonated with me. We choose the path we choose because we are inspired by our mentors. I take for granted that I am the way I am because of the people I deeply respect or have changed me in a positive (or even negative) way.

This weekend was so much fun. Robert's going away party was bittersweet.

Jan and I learned how to ski with Wes before going to NP for football and food. Nick and Alex cooked up some mean looking meals (that I unfortunately can't eat). Ashley wonderfully made me a salmon burger, which was DELICIOUS. It was so nice of her. Then after watching Green Bay's interception and touchdown, Jan and I went out into the snow to go back to my house. This morning, I took her on a tour of Dartmouth before making us lunch before she went back down to New York. Now, I can't help but listen to Glee's versions of Umbrella/Singing in the Rain, Marry You (Bruno Mars), Hey Soul Sister (Train), etc.

Today's sunshine made me so happy.

"That was you?"

-The J Bar operator on me skiing past him and into the snow bank

I FINALLY WENT SKIING with Wes and Jan.

We got up around 10ish, and Jan and I went to Lou's for brunch. I had a little bit of omelet and muffin and pancakes; they were all so good. At 12:30ish, Wes drove us to the Dartmouth Skiway in Lyme and taught us the basics with pizza pies and french fries. I eventually could go down the bunny slope with pseudo-parallel turns. I think I like xc skiing, which I will try Monday after the quiz, methinks. I am on such an adrenaline rush.

getting through metabolism...

"If you can't understand my accent, get used it. I can't change it now."

"Keep me on track, I get enthusiastic."

-Dr. Scornik

Crazy For You

-Best Coast, a bit happier surf pop

“I just put that [epiglottis] there so you’re not living in ignorance”

-Dr. Catlin

Anyway, I saw Dr. J.Lyons in lab today and held out my fist, and he came over after he finished talking to another group. He gave me a pound and said that this was his morning boost. And when I inquired about his mismatching shoes - a loafer and a sandal,  he said, "oh no I wondered why one foot was colder than the other." I enjoy people with a sense of humor.

I was feeling lethargic in lab, but was happier after cleaning off the subclavian artery. I finally could do something right. Especially when I "swung and missed" trying to find the recurrent laryngeal nerve on the right side (according to Dr. Swenson). It was amazing that after we dug around for so long, Dr. S. could swoop in, push around and then probe for the structures. I'm glad Quynh, Dan and Bijan were with me, trucking through it all.

For Emma, Forever Ago

-Bon Iver, I have been listening to this album nonstop

yesterday was the best day ever.

i went snowboarding for the first time with menaka, chris, jocelyn, edmund, ryan g, kenoma, marianne, nadia, yike and ken. it wasn't that bad in terms of falling so my butt this morning wasn't in too much pain. it's my left hip though that is a little tender to the touch. the j bar! eeps, it was so much fun going down the bunny slopes. i think my favorite part was the fact that when i was not sure how to put my boot in the bindings, kenoma helped me do it. or when i could not go forward. or brake. or turn, edmund would teach me. i asked any question i wanted and always felt supported. next time, i'll take a lesson (and this will probably include the kidnapping of ryan f. - just letting you know). lunch consisted of a black bean burger and nadia's fries from the cafe. in the little loft area, i ran into chelsea who was with clint and suzie! it was fun to hang out with them, too. i made friends with the lift operators who gave me tips, even though they hadn't snowboarded in years and years.

a little 6 year old girl (guestimation) said she was better than me. she could very well be right.

then i came home to hot green tea and watched wesley's ski video before jumping into a hot shower. the movie is so good, http://vimeo.com/18280307 the beginning with their bloopers (you'll flinch) is funny and then the end with them landing all their jumps is amazing! around 6ish, wes and i walked down e wheelock to our respective dinners together; i went to jo ling's for ashley's birthday potluck. yum, quynh, jo, ashley, dan, chris, nick, alex, kenoma, ryan, sarah and justin can all cook... a little TOO well if you ask me. YUM.

"It's probably Jack Lyon's favorite artery, it has 16 branches..."

-Dr. Catlin on the maxillary artery going into the brain

Dr. C. then mentions that we'll be hearing about all 16 branches in a later lecture presented by Dr. J.Lyons. I look up to where he was sitting and he fist pumps in acknowledgment.

LOVE. [8:38 am]
 ---
During lab, Dr. J.L and I pound and explode. He says, "This brightens my day."

Me too, sir. Me too.

"So give me something to believe...

Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe"
 -The Bravery

i went to the gym on wed at 6 am. it was the earliest i had woken up in a long time. i did my thing and worked out my abs on the giant bouncy ball. on my way back home, there was this cute older lady running up the hill with her dog. she made an effort to say good morning to me, and that left me in a good mood. we had immuno and on doc. plus, it was the last class with lee witters. he is really inspiring. i appreciate that he discovered ampk, can encourage us to do good in the world, and offer his time and his rare copy of the movie about the discovery of insulin by saying, "we should get a keg, low carb snacks, and watch this movie." the low carb snacks thing was thrown in due to the fact that he had been teaching us about metabolism.

oh man,  throughout the day, it hurt to laugh, stretch, or anything really because of my abs. it was a good sore... but that didn't make it any less painful. menaka and i went to dhmc to study a bit and then i passed at as soon as i got home. i woke up 8 hours later feeling so refreshed. i think i tricked my body into thinking i will stay active though because i have been ravenous every few hours. i need to keep that under control.

today's weather forcast: a high of 30, sunny and snowy

waking up this morning was kind of difficult. the sky was still dark and my bed was so warm. eventually i turned off the buzzing alarm clock and went to the gym to work out. i brought my physiology notes but couldn't read past the fact that the main extracellular buffer is bicarbonate and the main intracellular buffer is hemoglobin. i put it away and turned up eminem. i appreciated these lyrics at the time i listened to them:

"I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This f^c%i#g black cloud still follows me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherf^c%e$s are doing jumping jacks now!"

he's so angry and vulgar and inappropriate... but i dig it. i did abs on the giant bouncy ball - with so much more effort than doing crunches on the ground. i showered and went to class to learn about renal physiology. during lunch, i sat with whitney, nick, margaret, and jeff. everyone seemed to have had an eventful break at home :) it's hard to believe how different our ideas of home are. people are moving away and getting married with children on the way. crazy. i had a near panic attack when i clicked through a survey about something. i realized that i will not be able to select that i am between the ages of 18-24 in 20 months.

anyway, after lunch, we got tea and chocolate. i definitely enjoyed the tingle of mint tea during biochemistry. then i went to the library but realized i didn't feel productive so i left since i probably will not be. i need a nap, and then we'll see where the day takes me. back to 8 am classes tomorrow.......

kaskelot (sperm whale, which is the ct state animal, in danish)

ahh, home sweet home. i am now in my house in hanover with the smell of roasting potatoes and glögg (a scandinavian christmas drink consisting of glogg concentrate, red wine, almonds and raisins, courtesy of robert and mette). i had ridden the dartmouth coach with alex from boston and watched killers with ashton kutcher and katherine heigl - so cute and funny!

last night was amazing. i had gotten into the city and worked out for a bit before catching up on my one tree hill and 90210. then emily came back and we got ready to go to arjun's for a pregame. one by one, we all reunited. it was so much fun to chill and sip on johnnie walker and coke while watching the boys be mesmerized by pandora. i went downtown to hang out with rachie, christina, andrew, ben, aaron, casey, and their other friends. we counted down and wished each other a happy new year on the roof with the green and red empire state building in our sights (as we tried not to fall on the snow). then at 12:30ish, rach walked me halfway as i went to stay to meet up with the other people. it was a good time dancing around with emily, anjali, jay, arjun and krishna. emily and i got home sometime around 4:45 after she got a lamb in pita and went to bed. happy 2011.

phi's lover quarrel mix is awesome: http://soundcloud.com/phiunit/phi-unit-lovers-quarrel