sun-kissed

in a silent room where only a rotating fan is whirring its blades, my thoughts are screaming.

reading the forever war makes me wonder what the point of so many things is. anyway..

friday, NEIL PATEL WAS IN TOWN!! i met up with him, his sister, bijal, and bijal's friends from bu: meera and vishal. after a margarita and many bowls of chips and salsa, i biked home (albeit a little woozily). emily and i made mango sangria which was SO tasty and we went to mcsorley's for a round of light and dark. we got to people watch and see what was happening at the pub during fleet week. then we went to forum and danced around haha. we then went home and raided the kitchen. :)

saturday was so much fun. vi, michael and i met up at artichoke pizza for slices. we walked to soho and meandered the shops and found our way to jamba juice on west houston. eventually we subwayed to my apartment and hung out while waiting for neehan to move in. it's so sad! i'm so excited to go to california and start the next stages of my life, but at the same time... change is scary. at 7, emily and i went to bar paya for our roommate dinner. the food was pretty good, but i don't know if we would go there again. we had pisco sour, sea bass cerviche and lobster. then when we got home, we chilled out and headed to ulysses and another place (i forget the name, but it was next door) on stone street. with emily, vi, michael, brian, ben, and some new boys and girls, we hung out with a couple of navy sailors while drinking and snacking on french fries.

yesterday, emily and i woke up at 6:30 am to find out the path doesn't run on sundays! we took a cab to penn station and hopped on the train to mahwah. then savita picked us up, and the three of us met up with anjali and meera to go to avon-by-the-sea. tanya and rohini were already there. with doritos, strawberries and lemonade, we enjoyed the sun and sand from 11 am - 5 pm. the water was freezing, but it was awesome to jump in and cool down. i received a few texts that boggled my mind, but i think i figured it out: it was omar, my doorman. i drove us back and we went to red lobster. those cheesy biscuits were so delicious. savita and i shared the shrimp linguini and were quite satisfied with our meal. taking the train back, i was relieved to come back into manhattan. there is something calming about the busy streets and vibrant nature of the city. i somehow ended up at bar 29, ps 450, and tonic talking about topics i never thought would be discussed on a rooftop bar. it was really cool and a bit disappointing (as well as eye-opening to the nature of) hanging out with a group of guys.

taking the time to appreciate the stars

there is a man at work who is the nicest person you will ever meet. he will do anything you need him to do because he just wants to make sure you get what you need done in a timely manner. he will stay late at work and postpone his own responsibilities to make sure you are not overwhelmed. he will share his cookies or sweets or the potatoes on his plate. never asking for anything, he gives everything. he's my boss, and during my short year at my job, i've always felt supported. i think that has been important in motivating me to do my best with the duties given to me, but also important in expressing my ideas to improve the lab. in that way, he reminds me of my parents and my brother. always in the background but always present in helping others grow as better people.

the end is upon us for my friends and me as new yorkers. even though emily is staying in our apartment, i'm moving out on monday, and lisa's future is undetermined. at least there is some return to normalcy as neehan moves into my room. meera will be in philadelphia; savita in newark; anjali in boston. deb will be working in the upper east side, and our potlucks will be no more (as we know them anyway). gary will stay in his apartment without meer or anj, but with karen instead. with grad school at hand, we will no longer be dictated by the free schedules of our friends and of our jobs, but by the schedule of classes and figuring out how to navigate our new homes and communities. i hope i meet people to fill their shoes. my future friends and classmates could NEVER replace my current friends, my soulmates, in any way, but i need that person to be supportive in all cases or that person to ground me when my head is in the clouds or that person who is willing to try whatever crazy idea we come up with. things will be different, but i know that the friends i have now are the ones i will have forever. like stars, just because i can't always see them doesn't mean they're not always there.

at times when i get sad, i just want to be wreckless. i want to be able to push myself to the edge of my comfort zone and feel SOMETHING. yesterday i was disappointed and i just gave myself a stress migraine. i couldn't bear it. i rode my bike home and along the hudson river, there was a truck parked in the middle of my bike lane. to feel so small next to it was a strange feeling. i started to think about our impact on our environment as one single person. who are we to think we can impact change? i guess someone's got to take the initiative.

as i biking, i thought about random things:
the one time someone said to me, "you know, i was ready to believe in love at first sight, but you made it impossible." i just don't think you can like someone based purely on the physical

the one time someone bought me chocolate and a pillow for easter when neither of us was catholic.

the one time a skateboarder ran a red light as i crossed an intersection and said, "watch it lady!" i felt so old

the three times i called 311 because of the beeping noise going on outside my window at 5 am due to construction

and also how things will be very very different when i leave new york next month.

sister good-eats

as i dragged my suitcase across the city from port authority to work at 8 am, i passed by two newspaper vendors of AMNY and Metro. i went to the woman with Metro because thats the one i usually read, but the AMNY distributor said, "hey sister good-eats," since i was munching on a gala apple, and grabbed the Metro from my hand and rolled a copy of AMNY with it and stuffed it in the handle of my suitcase as i continued to roll along.

it got me thinking that even though he might think i'm healthy for eating an apple, he did not see me eat ice cream, cookies, cadbury chocolate this weekend as we celebrated a belated mother's day. it got me thinking about exceptions. this weekend was an exception to my usually healthy lifestyle, but i also overindulged. exceptions chip away at our foundation. if who we are is determined by our actions, how can we be who we are if we constantly make exceptions to our usual codes of living? to identify what is right and wrong, we have to be able to understand and label what is right and wrong to us. we have to be strong in that once we make that commitment, we don't let ourselves down. we have to stand by our own standards despite peer pressure.
---
minutes after i typed that, i ran into one of the vet techs who told me there was coffee downstairs (there goes that self-control)! so of course, needing my fix i went and there were these beautiful cheese danishes topped with almonds. i had a quarter (whew.) and i grabbed some for my coworkers. as i walked back juggling a box, my coffee and the danishes, the guard on duty who should have reprimanded me utilized his bring-it-on-"spirit fingers" to tell me to hurry up and get out of there. it was so nice! and then there was a custodial staff member who saw my struggle and opened two doors for me down the hall. and since there was a fire drill, all the doors were closed so i had my fill of obstacles. then on one of the few remaining sets of double doors, i hear a "can-eye-can-eye-can-eye", when i opened the door i turned around to see why someone was talking gibberish behind me. it turned out, he was asking, "can i get that for you?" and wanted to open the door for me. talk about a nice and fulfilling 10 minutes!

life in the suburbs

this morning i woke up to the little footsteps of peanut, the cutest and best trained yorkshire terrier ever. i went back to sleep and when i opened my eyes, vi was holding peanut ready to throw him at me. plan foiled. i love being home with my family, it's comfortable all the time. i got up and ate strawberries and yogurt, it was yummy. then i watched it's me or the dog with dave and vi. we tried some of the tips on the dog at hand. it worked, so cute. we had a FEAST for lunch and then after the parentals left, so did dave and vi. i watched never been kissed and good luck chuck. it was a good vegging out weekend, i'll go back to being healthy tomorrow.....

rach came to pick me up and we went to her house with the cookies and ice cream vi bought us the night before. we watched cake eaters with kristen stewart which was meh. and went to the mall to pick up a shirt at express for rachel. we talked about some things that are usually kept behind closed doors, which was really fun and liberating. back at her house and watching broken english, i completely melted at the character of julien. so cute. it's crazy to be back in nj and always feel like everything is left unchanged. then we did a facebook stalk on past elementary and high school people who have gotten engaged, married, pregnant, etc etc. and wow, the streets may have stayed in place, but the people really really have changed. i miss high school sometimes, but i like my life better the way it is now (thanks to all the wonderful people in it now.)

i'm going to california in one month, but the more i think about it, the more i don't want to go. there's too much i still have to do with the people here. i guess it's time to step out of my comfort zone.

ps my dad just asked me to have a glass of wine with him as we talked about our day. :)

from stem cells into differentiated ones

today as i walked on broadway north of houston, i passed by a little boy with reddish brown hair crying as he held out his hands. his two lime green toy cars were on the ground, and it seemed like he had just gotten up after a fall. his dad with the same exact hair color was smiling at him as he consoled him. i felt like i witnessed a moment that they might forget, but it was a really great moment. a dad who obviously loves his kid? we need more people like that. sigh: remember when those days? being young meant having an endless world of possibilities at your scratched up hands. like a differentiated cell, it just gets harder and harder to see options as you get older (sorry for the analogy, i've been at a radiation biology conference all day... and will continue to be attend one until saturday - amazing and interesting topics though!)

i also just watched grey's anatomy season finale. wow. those were the two most intense hours i've been through for a while. i was on the elliptical peddling out my anxiety. i think i might have ran up the wall if i hadn't been busy working out. life is so fleeting... and so out of our hands. we can plan to make the decisions we want to make, but what if something happens before we are able to? like percy who was in love with reed but never did anything about it? today, it became too late. that was tragic. i've taken my fair deal of risks... granted they are always too late and done knowingly without the chance of good outcomes. i just need to work on doing something when there is still hope, when there is still something i can do for an outcome i want. maybe once i make a choice to do something that is somewhat binding, i panic at the possibility of being stuck, like a differentiated cell haha. seriously, i can think of one thing i could do, but i feel myself hesitant.

to wait or not to wait...

life's too short to make all of your own mistakes

scooters.

envisioning myself riding one makes me happy. even simply saying the word makes me smile. however, as i expressed interest to my mother, she advised me against it. she said she used to ride one back in vietnam when ho chi minh city was still saigon. my grandparents were merchants, and one day as she was bringing things to and from the market, she got into an accident. with these words, i imagined food and feathers flying everywhere along a dirt road with the scooter lying sideways in the middle of a commotion. then she snapped me back to reality by reminding me of the teeth work she had done and the large flower-looking scar on her elbow.

those remnants were the result of that incident. i knew she had the scar and was with her when she went to the dentist for a check up when something seemed wrong... i just never took the time to ask how. i always forget my parents had their own lives before becoming my mom and dad. i should stop to learn about their past more often.

anyway, today at work i was carrying a big box through double doors and a man waited the extra 20 seconds to hold the door open for me. he actually waited: it wasn't just the usual push the door open for a little longer until a person holds the door open for him/herself. on the flip side, as i peddled like a drowned cat down the west side hwy, a driver who was warm and dry in his car continued to speed by the intersection as his light turned green without letting me go ahead of him. it was his right to do so, but i felt myself grow a little colder inside. though, maybe it was just the rain soaking through my clothes.

silhouettes along the hudson river

today as i was biking back down to my apartment via the westside highway, i saw silhouettes and was reminded of ghosts. i thought about the past and how it can continue to follow us, continue to haunt us.

last night, so many things were unburied from the past. from arrow bar to one and one, i was disappointed in myself as i allowed anger to seep in. as neehan, emily, and i ate white pizza, sweet potato fries, brownies and whatever else was in our refrigerator, i thought about the actions of others and how they affect our relationships with those people. my friend had dated someone i liked for a long time before and not knowing what to do (i felt guilty trying to stand in the way), i gave her my blessing. slowly, it chipped away at me as he asked for my advice in dating her. it chipped away at me as i saw that he showed feelings for her that he never had for me. when they broke up, i was relieved. it pains me to be unsympathetic in someone else's misery, but like i said to her as we had our first talk about it in five years today: my friends would never do that to me.

this all happened in high school. five years ago, we graduated from high school and moved on with our lives. it's not about the boy anymore. it's about trust. and ever since then, i haven't been able to trust her. i never admitted that to her because i never admitted that to myself. there has been so much history that i was afraid to let go. how can you cut someone off who had shared so much of your youth with you? who had been with you through so many experiences? well, to be frank, i had let go. our friendship wasn't real. i thought i could forgive and forget, i willed it to be so. yet, no matter how hard i tried, in the back of my mind, i did not trust her and haven't since september 2004. tears were shed and cups of coffee drunken... and we talked out things i never thought we could have honestly and openly talked about. we'll see if these wounds will heal for real this time. afterwards, we were joined by aaron, aaron and john at union square. we went to good burger on broadway and 18th st and then ate in front of the abe lincoln statue in the park. meera met up with us after a while and we went to forum for a happy hour drink. then, as we started to go home, meera and i decided to grab dinner at azuki on park ave south between 19th and 20th (i believe). i had the salmon teriyaki and she had some delicious sounding maki. then i biked home. thank goodness for a steady place to come back to.

connections

today was really fun. i went to jersey city via the path to help mengwei move into her townhouse with her sister, sam. it was really silly trying to get her couch through the door... her mom also made us noodles and banana bread. it was delicious! it was such a great space for the amount she pays :)

then i hopped back on the train to manhattan and biked from wtc to the museum of natural history. it was kind of scary that on amsterdam and 73rd street a cab's passenger opened the door into me and i rode onto the curb suddenly. a nice pedestrian, who i sadly did not even thank, steadied me as i continued to peddle because i was late meeting someone as a favor. i ran to the steps where the teddy roosevelt statue was, and we went to the lab to discuss conservation genetics. how funny that despite the artistic nature of some people, there is interest in evolutionary biology and seemingly unrelated topics. but in a way, if you can see beauty in nature, that is art. everything is connected and intertwined.

what was even more ironic was that we were both from the same town in central/south jersey hahaha. i truly believe we are all connected by six degrees of separation.

firsts

first day of sunshine after rain and drear? it immediately uplifts you. this morning, with my blue schwinn helmet and black ray bans, i biked to work for the first time and let me just say, the road work that had me detouring all over the place last fall is gone. it was the best and fastest biking i've done! with the shortest amount of time too. pedestrians and cars were cordial. but word of advice, biking west to east on 23rd street is probably not the safest or brightest idea. the buses are looming and the roads are bumpy.

i did see the cheapest chicken and rice cart though: $3.99 for a plate on Park and 33rd St (or somewhere around there...)

picking your fights

Today, as I was preparing to purify RNA for a microarray, my coworker asked if I was using the refrigerated centrifuge. I said yes and that it would take approximately two hours, and I asked if that was ok. She is fresh off the boat from Chiner and is a bit blunt (which is an understatement). She laughed and said, "Not really." So, I said, "You can use it, and just let me know when you're done."

Why? The samples are important but they're not time sensitive. The fight that could have ensued was just not worth it to me. I remember last December/January when I was just waitlisted at my number 1 school, I was a bit more quiet. I was a bit more sassy. I didn't really tell anyone but a handful of people, I just let it simmer within myself. My coworker and I had the SAME CONVERSATION as today's, but instead of saying, "Not really." she said, "Ok, fine." In actuality, she didn't think it was fine and while I was starting to process those multi-million dollar samples funded by NASA, she hijacked the centrifuge and said that two hours would be too long and that she needed to begin. She said she didn't understand why I was not my usual happy self, and instead of talking it out - we were both passive aggressive. We had a huge fight and her constant repetition was absurd. Even before that fight, I used to disagree with her and made it clear where I stood. Now, I just let her be. And I just am. Have you ever gotten mad at someone who wasn't as cheerful as usual? You just think, "Wow, that person is a total jerk." But what if something else was going on? What if it was something that just didn't have anything to do with you? Whenever we are having a bad day, we are justified in feeling not our usual selves. However, we never think about the other person who might be having a similar bad day. We're pretty egocentric in that way, but whenever something is off with someone you know, just take a step back. Give him or her space: he or she will bounce back. 

Anyway, you know what I thought was really awesome? Phi and I went to visit Brittany (what was only supposed to be a visit lasted THREE HOURS, I love having friends like that.. where time flies by when you spend time with them), and we chanced upon an abandoned fan. We both wanted it. We had an exchange of who could take it, and he let me have it. After awhile, he was like, if you don't decide, I'm just going to take it. I like that he let me assert the fact that I wanted it to take it, if it's ok with him (which it was). So, in the spirit of karma, I will help Phi promote Community Lab... spread the hype and come support [for FREEEE] at Arrow Bar on Ave A and E. 5th this Saturday.

Also, I must mention tonight's potluck dinner was breakfast-themed and incredible. I brought scrambled eggs and orange juice. Meera brought the champagne to make mimosas. Gary brought the bacon, Deb the tater tots, and Karen the strawberries and whipped cream. It was amazing. Just saying, it might have been our best one ever (though there is a 99% chance we say that at each successive one...)

lost in translation

This made me laugh: http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2010/05/03/world/asia/20100503_CHINGLISH.html#

It's interesting how foreigners view Americans. And vice versa.

Fanny, who is from France, has a notion that New York City girls (not American in general because girls from Boston weren't like this) give men all the power. They are too sexually aggressive and don't allow men to chase them. I thought that was true in a sense. However, I don't agree that smiling at someone you find attractive means that you're willing to sleep with him that night, which is the case in France. How will he know you're into him? Nacho and Irineu, who are from Spain, say that this is just a French thing and that in their country, they don't think that is necessarily true.(Boys, fyi, the Spanish way of picking up girls courtesy of Nacho: http://www.terra.es/personal/mahorna/bromas/manual.htm)

I love hearing what they have to say.

je perdu un document important

bonjour! i have just returned to the east coast from sint maarten/saint martin of the dutch and french antilles. WOW. it was incredible. the moment we hovered about the island on the plane, there was an instant calm and relaxation that washed over us. meera, savita, aarati and i enjoyed four days of sunshine this weekend.. it was so needed.

greg picked us up from the airport and we checked into our hotel, the sonesta maho. we were in room 1-559 and it was AWESOME. the balcony overlooked an abandoned golf course that was wrecked by a hurricane 15 years before, but beyond that - we could see the sun rise and set over the ocean (not that we were ever awake at sunrise). the first day, we hung out at our hotel beach. we walked over to sunset bar where ben, our waiter, allowed us to switch tables approximately five times. we watched the planes fly in and out of the airport. it was really cool to look up and see the planes fly so low. i tried the desperados beer and it was SO GOOD. it was tequila flavored, and it reminded me of fanny when she said that it was her favorite beer, but it wasn't sold in the united states. we tanned for a while and then got ready for dinner at pineapple pete's. i had a jerk chicken wrap, which was delicious. we then went to calmos cafe on the french side of the island and met lots of cool people. an older french man bought us a presidente beer, which was pretty tasty before we met three french military personnel with whom we sort of communicated. i proudly and irrelevantly would say, "je perdu un document important" to anyone who would listen. they often would compliment my accent and say other nice things, and i think that is why i am a francophile. friday, we went to the hotel pool and hung out with ramon! he was a great bartender... making delicious and fruity drinks after we attempted to swim laps. after i said, estas mi favorito (ramon had said for me to understand he speaks english, but he speaks spanish when i asked him what other languages he spoke), he replied with "you are my favorite too" and a complimentary and yummy pina colada teehehe. greg came to get us after his class and we went to mullet beach, where we fed the angel fish french fries and bread that other beach goers gave us. it was really cool. we went to tara's apartment to attend a going away party before going to bliss and tantra. it was interesting to say the least. saturday, greg woke us up and we went hiking to a secluded beach, happy bay. it was BEAUTIFUL. we went to the soggy dollar to sit on the pier with greg's medical school friends. it was really chill and a great way to end the weekend. everyone was accommodating and warm the entire time... st. martin, i will be back!

it was so sad to come back to 55 degree weather in newark.

knowing your audience

The world and people who inhabit it can only be defined on a gradient.

Categories help us simplify, but despite our best efforts, our systems are flawed. This is true even with something as simple as color: there is blue and there is green, but what about turquoise? Is it a bluish green or a greenish blue? I mention this because we are not all the equal. We should always remember who we are talking to when we are conversing. There are people more fortunate than us and less fortunate than us. Maybe the same person is better than you at tennis and baking but worse than you in speaking a foreign language... I digress. I don't want to complain about what happened but just keep in mind who you are talking to. You might not think it is a big deal, but you can be insulting to your audience.

Anyway, at dinner, my cousin and I went to Kun Jip on W. 32nd Street between 5th and 6th Avenues. The line was out the door and when we asked the hostess how long it would take, she said she didn't know. She took our orders 15 minutes later and then an elderly lady ushered us into the back to form another line. We waited about 25 minutes total and I was ravenous. I ordered the seafood bi bim bop, but it was too hot and the flavors didn't really go well. The side dishes though, were amazing. The carrots in this red sauce were savory and the broccoli added a great crunch to get my appetite going. It was 9:30 by the time I got home and I went to the gym before it closed. I caught the end of Glee and started watching Chopped on the food network. I thought Christian deserved to win, and was glad when he did.

This is why I'll miss Manhattan.

What a wonderful weekend! This Friday, I went to the post-doc happy hour with Fanny, Irineu, William and Haydelise. Such a good time to catch up and talk about random things. Afterwards, I met up with Meera, Steph, Gary, Em, Neehan, Hearst, etc at Stout, on W. 33th Street between 6th Ave and 7th, for a multi-school happy hour. It was a cool place to grab a drink and talk to people. Around 7ish, I went a few blocks north and I met new people as I learned how to make Jamaican patties for Craig's birthday. We sampled Jamaican rum and watched Family Guy while eating Chipotle. Let me say that running on five hours of sleep is hardly enough to prevent dropping things and losing hand-eye-coordination with flour, lard and a food processor.

Saturday, I went to AMNH and ran PCRs and genotyped palm samples from Colombia. It was great to go out on the steps where the Teddy Roosevelt statue is and read the Forever War by Dexter Wilkins. It's really moving. Because the war is so removed from us, it's difficult to imagine what it would be like to hover in fear with each passing second. Bombs, fighter plans, bullets that seem to come from everywhere. [Today, NYT and BBC reported about a car bomb in Times Square that was caught before it detonated. I am shocked. I know we're living in a hostile time, but I've never felt unsafe in New York City. I take this security for granted.] Kenny came for a visit and we had brunch at the Sun-Burnt Calf on W. 79th between Amsterdam and Broadway. I had poached eggs with smoked salmon and avocado on a biscuit with Jameson on ice. The Australian bartender treated me to a second one, which was super nice. Then we went to a gelato place and got too much gelato. I always want sweets but then tell Kenny I don't want to go, but he insists. I resent that I give in, I need to have better self-control in eating unhealthy things in excess. We stopped by Rob's apt in Meatpacking before I met up with Jeremy to check out the paint color in his room. I went home and took a nap before going to Asian Pub at Cooper Square, McSorley's on E. 7th where we met a bunch of Brits celebrating a 37th birthday, Phebes on Bowery and E. 4th to meet up with Florine. It was so crowded so we hopped in a cab to Arlo and Esme on E. 1st between 1st and 2nd Ave. We finally met a bunch of Florine's dental school friends, which was a lot of fun. We walked to Pomme Frites on 2nd Ave and E. 7th St. and had some great fries with mango chutney and eggplant mayo. Sherman introduced us to a taste of Canada with Poutine. Good stuff.

Today was amazing. Meera and I went to SoHo to shop for bathing suits for our upcoming trip to the Carribean. I found a bright red one that would have been "radiant red" if it was in a Crayola box of crayons. I love it! Meera bought a few great pieces and we called it a day with mango Pinkberry on Spring St. and Lafayette. If I could do it over again, I would have left out the chocolate crisps from my cone and had a few more bites of mango frozen yogurt. So refreshing... it was just what the doctor ordered.