silhouettes along the hudson river

today as i was biking back down to my apartment via the westside highway, i saw silhouettes and was reminded of ghosts. i thought about the past and how it can continue to follow us, continue to haunt us.

last night, so many things were unburied from the past. from arrow bar to one and one, i was disappointed in myself as i allowed anger to seep in. as neehan, emily, and i ate white pizza, sweet potato fries, brownies and whatever else was in our refrigerator, i thought about the actions of others and how they affect our relationships with those people. my friend had dated someone i liked for a long time before and not knowing what to do (i felt guilty trying to stand in the way), i gave her my blessing. slowly, it chipped away at me as he asked for my advice in dating her. it chipped away at me as i saw that he showed feelings for her that he never had for me. when they broke up, i was relieved. it pains me to be unsympathetic in someone else's misery, but like i said to her as we had our first talk about it in five years today: my friends would never do that to me.

this all happened in high school. five years ago, we graduated from high school and moved on with our lives. it's not about the boy anymore. it's about trust. and ever since then, i haven't been able to trust her. i never admitted that to her because i never admitted that to myself. there has been so much history that i was afraid to let go. how can you cut someone off who had shared so much of your youth with you? who had been with you through so many experiences? well, to be frank, i had let go. our friendship wasn't real. i thought i could forgive and forget, i willed it to be so. yet, no matter how hard i tried, in the back of my mind, i did not trust her and haven't since september 2004. tears were shed and cups of coffee drunken... and we talked out things i never thought we could have honestly and openly talked about. we'll see if these wounds will heal for real this time. afterwards, we were joined by aaron, aaron and john at union square. we went to good burger on broadway and 18th st and then ate in front of the abe lincoln statue in the park. meera met up with us after a while and we went to forum for a happy hour drink. then, as we started to go home, meera and i decided to grab dinner at azuki on park ave south between 19th and 20th (i believe). i had the salmon teriyaki and she had some delicious sounding maki. then i biked home. thank goodness for a steady place to come back to.