rest in peace, jerald brooks.

currently listening to: my love will get you home
yesterday, i found out my two of my oldest and best friends' father, my second father, passed away. it has been a long road, but this conclusion never seemed like it would come.

you were suffering, and now i am sure you are in a better place, looking down on us and keeping us safe. i can't believe someone i have known for more than half my life is gone... someone who would always say, "there she is - our lost daughter has come home." this was always without fail, no matter how much time has passed... welcoming me with opened arms.

whenever i get into studying or talking to people, i forget for a moment. i'm so removed, so distant, it doesn't really seem real. i'm going back home this weekend to help with whatever i can. i just don't want it to be real.

i'm sorry if i am not myself.

a part of me has died.

Lately...

I have been eating a lot more during the day.
I have been sleeping less.
I have been unable to focus.
I notice my midsection seems bigger.

Thinking about it, I have assumed it's due to stress... about what? I'm not sure - I have a test tomorrow, it could always be due to that. Yet... my behavior seems a bit extreme, even for me.

I found the answer last night when I had a dream that I was browsing a book store and chanced upon a self-help book, "You Are Enough" (as our On Doc facilitator would say). I thought about it this morning, and couldn't help but realize I have been so anxious about the possibility of failure due to the magnitude of information I don't remember from last year in addition to the wealth of knowledge I need to acquire this year. The pressure of having people's lives depend on you is weighing on me... yet a bit too prematurely.

Palliative end of life care.

Today we had a lecture by Dr. Byock. It was engaging and incredible. There were some questions he talked about asking patients that I wanted to answer.

If you were to die suddenly, as any of us might, would there be important things left undone?

Are there: 

Projects that would be left incomplete unless they were turned over to others?  
 I still need to finish the BBC's "50 places to go before you die". You'll have to go to those sites for me.


People you would have wanted to visit at least one more time? 
 So many people in so many places to reminisce about so many memories.


Things that would be left unsaid to significant people in your life?
For whatever I have done to wrong you, I hope you forgive me as I have forgiven those who hurt me. I choose to only remember the good times, especially those instances when I truly felt seen and heard by you. Thank you for being there. I love you.
 ---
So morbid, I know. However, it just needs to be said.  

60 degrees with rain, rain and more rain

Phi's Thinking About You remix

Now that I am back in school, sitting in an auditorium from 8-3:15 pm, I am in serious withdrawal.

This past week was amazing. Last Monday, I went to Newark to hang out with the NJMS kids at Manan's house party. Savita and Manan made great sangria, and I left for EWR as everyone else went to the Jersey City beer garden. Tuesday, I chilled out and watched Netflix aaaaaaaall day before meeting up with Johnny and Carrie Anne for drinks at Water St Bar and Grill downtown. Wednesday, I had lunch with Jena and Sarah, who I haven't seen in 6 years, to catch up. Then Jena and I walked around the mall to stay out of the humidity while digesting our Chinese food. I picked up Victoria and we went to see Crazy, Stupid, Love. It was lovely, especially when he said, "I should have fought for you." Swoon. I dropped her off and her mom cooked amazing Vietnamese food for me. At 7, I stopped by Amy's one last time before going to Rich's II for ice cream with Sean. I can't believe I have known them both for over 10 years. I went to the beach at night and saw the big dipper so vividly as I talked on the phone with the fireworks going on. Thursday, Crystal came over to catch up over hookah and astrology, hahaha, it was funny. She drove me to the bus stop so I could get to Savita's. Nikhil and I got to Newark Penn at the same time which was perfect for Savita to pick us up. The three of us with Manan went to Cuban Pete's for sangria and paella... then Nikhil left and Swetha joined us. We hung out over Carlo Rossi on the terrace before going to their friend's apt.

Friday morning, the four of us made spinach and pepperjack cheese omelets with a pot of coffee. I left a couple hours later to meet up with Meera for lunch at Spring Street Natural in SoHo. The food was so good! I took the train to Herald Square and got pinkberry with Steph and walked around. A couple hours later, I took the train down to Emily and we got Clay Pot Indian food, which was like the ethnic version of Chipotle. It was delicious - I got the naan with chickpea masala and a mango lassi. Still full, we got on the train to Sandeep's to watch The Kids Are Alright ($1 from the Blockbuster kiosk) in his apt theater... ridiculously lush. Saturday, Emily and I went to the gym before going to Central Park to meet up with Tiff, Chang, Lily, and other kids for a picnic and outdoorsy games. I got my haircut in Chinatown with Lulu and then caught up with Florine at Starbucks off Union Square before I ran back to Tiff's to get ready for Chang's rooftop party. I'm so glad I got to see Mike, who went to high school and college with me, among the other familiar faces. We went to Empire Hotel and danced around before going home to inhale ramen and pizza. Amaaaaaazing. Though, the ride back up the next day with David and Ken was rough... and sitting in class today for so many hours seemed wrong to me.

I miss summer.

Sunny and clear, with a high of 80 degrees.

I've been home for a week. There is a feeling of something is missing in some place. (Or maybe someone?) I am not really sure - it is not a notion I can put into words. However, I do know it happens every time I come home from somewhere. When I come home with the memory of perfection from the past few days, weeks, or months, it feels a bit like paradise lost. (With some separation anxiety from the people with whom I had spent every minute, hour, and day.)

I got to play catch up with Savita, Meera, Emily, Shirley, Gary (and Thalia, Ryan's pitbull), Steph, Phi, Rach, Jess, Jena, Sean, Crystal, and Amy. Most of it revolved around meals, movies or long walks around suburbia. Last night was fun, Crystal and her mom, Julie, took me out to a second lunch at Taco Bell haha and I had a bean burrito kids meal. We were occupied with the pieces of a toy airplane that you build according to the picture. Then we visited Jess's mom and grandma before dropping Crystal off at work. Aunt Julie and I went to Uncle Tom's restaurant to pick up some ingredients for a party on Sunday, and we made plans to go clamming in Island State Beach Park on Monday. Then we ran around Shop Rite, Marshall's, Costco and a fresh produce store, Tomato's in Brick. Hearing the hot news that there were black cherries on sale at Stop N' Shop, we drove to Point Pleasant to continue food shopping where I, leafing through Us Weekly and Cosmo, caught up the latest celebrity news (sad, I know). Then we went to get Crystal, ate sushi, and bumped into Aunt Sue and KATIE. She's three now and soooooo cute with the most infectious laugh I have ever heard. I kept tickling her and tossing her up in the air just to hear her giggle. In addition, I am so excited for tomorrow - beach day with Fut. :)

I have been running to get back into the groove of my normal routine. It is funny after reading The Alchemist how it really does feel like the universe seems to help you get to where you want to be (sorry for the fromage). Two nights ago, I was running farther than I have been in 6 weeks and slowed my pace to about a tortoise's when it started to downpour. With iPod in hand, I had to run home before electrocuting myself... or worse, damage my mp3 player (jk). Then last night, it was about 10 pm when I got home and I hadn't run. I ran for about an hour and figured I should probably never do that again considering how random people are reported to be kidnapped and/or killed on running trails. Yet, as I turned on to my street to finish my run, out in the distance, I saw a silhouette of a runner with perfect form and grace. Maktub.

reverse culture shock

my current anthem: Dully Sykes's Bongo Fleva

Yesterday, Savita, Manan and I woke up and boarded our Turkish Airlines flight to JFK and arrived in the city at 2:35 pm. We came back to a rude airport employee yelling at the non-native visitors of the country to learn how to listen and to get into a line. It was so unnecessary since going down the escalators would bring them to the visitors' line to get through customs. What a first impression to leave them. What a homecoming. Aarati picked us up and drove me to Port Authority, and I met up with Jessie at Schnipper's for a veggie burger before getting on the bus to NJ.

People ask me about my trip and I never know what to say because I am unsure how specific they want me to be. It is frustrating for me to start telling a story and to have it interrupted or feel like I have been talking too much. I have always been better at writing than speaking, so I will try to be brief and you can skim as you please.
---
These five weeks went by too fast. Upon arriving in Nairobi, we hopped on a 7 hour bus ride to Moshi, Tanzania, where Babu Msuya drove us to the Kilimanjaro Backpackers hostel. Samwell was the super sweet receptionist, teaching us some Ki-Swahili phrases before showing us to our room. The rooms were small, but supplied all we really needed, which were beds and mosquito nets. I prayed I would not get malaria as mosquitoes have always had a certain taste for my blood. Despite being bitten a lot during the whole trip, my daily dose of Malarone seemed to hold off any parasites dwelling in my blood. We took the long ride to Kilema, the village where the Orphans of Kilimanjaro resided. Babu Bob, Vishal, Chirag, Obadia, Gloria, Lily, Pascal, Godfrey, little Godfrey and Mama Flora immediately welcomed us upon arrival. Savita and I shared one and Manan stayed down the hall. After introductions, we played Crazy Eights/Last Cardi with Godfrey, Pascal, Obi, etc until dinner, which consisted of avocado, green beans, potatoes, cabbage and bananas. Everything was so delicious. The hot shower afterward was so welcomed and needed.

The next day, we went to Moonjo Waterfall and most of us jumped off the cliff into the water. It was so beautiful there. One moment that stuck with me was when Manan jumped without his glasses, and on the bottom Savita and I talked about getting them for him. Godfrey, without saying a word, swiftly floated across the slippery rocks, ran up the steep steps and down the dirt path to get them for us. It was so heartwarming that it bonded us (at least in my mind).

July 1 was the day Godfrey left for boarding school. It was so sad. He was so nervous in the days leading up to that day. I remember after watching him play football with his friends, I asked him if the other kids were his best friends. He said no they were just kids from the village, and that I was his best friend. It was probably a lie, but it reinforced the notion he was kinda my favorite (not that I should have had one). On the day before he left, we passed him coming back to Kilema as he was going where we had come. After expressing surprise he was going alone, Godfrey asked me if I wanted to go with him to buy new shoes - it took effort to say no to him (I was exhausted since we walked back from Marangu instead of taking the dolla dolla). I never wanted to deny anything these kids ask of me... I wished I could give these kids whatever they needed. Leaving him at his new school was  sad that day - he walked up to a tree and with one arm leaned up against it as he dropped his head and stared at the ground. Acting as a helicopter mom, I yelled his name and told him to meet people; he barely looked up. He came back July 5 to get something and we got to catch up about how he was doing... he seemed so tired and silent. I told him to make friends he actually had to TALK to people. He simply said, "ok" as a response to appease me even though we both knew he probably would not. Godfrey repeated over and over that he is shy;  making new friends was hard for him. I wanted to walk him back the next morning, but he dramatically said he wanted to go alone. Before we parted ways, he made me pinky swear that I would visit. I did good on my promise. It was totally worth seeing him happier when we showed up.

In the next couple of weeks, we toured Maua (a self-sufficient community of nuns where they farmed crops, raised animals, and generated their own energy), revisited Moonjo, climbed and re-climbed a hill with a gazebo overlooking the towns and Kili in the distance, scaled the steep hill to Lasso (as practice for Kili), watched the Lion King, played cards with or without electricity, and I had my questionnaire translated. For my project about nutrition status, we asked local villagers in the area as well as at the HIV clinic in the Marangu Hospital, which was a short dolla dolla ride away. The rides on those things are a whole other story. Think about a van and cramming 20 people in there. There are people hanging out the opened door or out the windows. The idea of personal space is nonexistent, yet it might have been better that way since the ride is incredibly bumpy. Being packed like sardines keeps you secure in your position. Driving on the roads in Istanbul and in America was weird; I was no longer used to the lack of feeling like I was on a roller coaster.

One weekend, we took connecting bus rides lasting 8 hours to Pangani, which was BEAUTIFUL. We stayed at a hostel and ate delicious seafood and drank over long conversations. We met Kassim, a rasta man, and Hanku, a South African 19 year old, who walked with us along the beach and taught us about constellations before taking us to a ship yard party. Then we went to a disco, which was fun as we danced the night away. Unfortunately, Swetha had her purse strap cut with a knife, and the thief ran with her bag into the dark labyrinth of alleys. Although it was a downer on the atmosphere, luckily no one was hurt and everything was replaceable. As the saying goes, "Siku za mwizi ni arobaini"  meaning the days of the thief are forty - he will get caught sooner or later. The next day, we sat on the back of a cattle truck and rode for 2.5 uncomfortable hours to Sange Beach, where we had a long strip of ocean completely to ourselves. Mohammad, the caretaker, cut us coconuts to drink and we swam in the Indian Ocean while looking for seashells. The long transit time was quickly forgotten when we stared at the palm trees and sunset reflecting in the water. The food was also incredible as we ate fresh fish, coconut rice, vegetables in tomato-based sauce and chipatis smothered with nutella.

With a snap of a finger, three weeks disappeared. We prepared for our ascent up Mount Kilimanjaro. Our guides were Nelson and Exaudi. Mosses, a 24 year old student at Dodoma University who we quickly befriended in Kilema came with us. Before we knew it, the 7 of us started climbing up the tallest free standing mountain in Africa. Day 1 consisted of a 3 hour hike to Mandara Hut. Day 2, a 5 hour hike to Horombo Hut. We took a day to acclimatize and hiked to the Zebra Rocks and back. Day 4, we made it to Kibo Hut around 2 pm. We barely napped and barely ate, but at 11 pm, we got ready to climb to the peak. Departing at midnight, we took one step in front of the other and made it to Gilman's Point at 4 or so. It was the hardest leg of the journey... where looking up would kill your motivation and all you could do was look straight in front of you until someone told you to sit down for a scheduled break. Then we walked along the ridge (with quiet fears that I would trip and roll down the cliff) until we reached Uhuru Peak - 5,895 meters above sea level - at 6 am. We watched the orange glow of the sunrise, took a few pictures, appreciated the melting glaciers and climbed back down to Kibo. We napped for a few hours and then left for Horombo Hut again to finish off Day 5. The last day, Day 6, we passed through Mandara for a break and then went back to Marangu Gate. We got our certificates of completion and had lunch/dinner at 5 pm though we had not eaten since 7 am. It was so a joy to have done it, but the excitement was dulled by our hunger. Arriving at home around 7 - there was no power so we sadly took warm bucket showers. Regardless of being tired, grumpy, and dirty, it was so nice to be back with the people we cared about.

It was short lived since we had to get up at 6 am the next morning to leave for the Serengeti. Good Luck picked us up and brought us to the Moshi office for Mapengo to drive us to the national park. The Toyota LandCruiser looked like a giant toy car, and unluckily functioned like one. It broke down 4 times and we had to get out and push - once among the gazelle and ostriches. It was a good thing no hungry lions were near. The campsite was nice except for all the swarming bees during meals and the unseen whooping hyenas  during the night. When we went to the WC, we saw our first African Buffalo in the distance - I love how they run with their noses in the air like Ferdinand the Bull. The next day, we got a new car and driver, Tuma, to take us out. We saw the Maasai people herding their livestock, giraffes munching on acacia trees, elephants pushing their stumbling young across roads, lions ripping apart fallen zebras, a leopard pulling up a limp antelope into a tree for lunch, gazelles grazing on the dry grass, cheetahs lazily sleeping under trees or on mounds, birds flying or perching on huge trees, hippos and crocodiles drifting in ponds, as well as zebras and wildebeest co-existing in the endless plains. It was all so breath-taking. The next day, we left for Ngorogoro Crater where we saw animals from the day before but also two of the remaining 28 BLACK RHINO in the crater. There was the awesome soda Lake Makat that looked like it was bubbling over. By then, we saw the Big Five (buffalo, elephant, leopard, lion, and rhino) as well as the other four that make up the Big Nine (cheetah, zebra, giraffe and hippo)!! The last day, we drove by Lake Manyara and saw pink streaks of flamingos on our way to Tarangire National Park. We saw the same things in addition to the baobab tree and headed home. It was a relief to put our bags down and hang out with the kids for a couple of days. I got to visit Godfrey the day before we left but unfortunately, the headmaster was not there to give us permission so we were not allowed to talk to him for even five minutes. We said our good-byes, and Godfrey said he will e-mail me when he can.

We left for Nairobi on the 25th and hung out with Manan's uncle and his family. We had Indian food at the local shopping center and headed out to Istanbul the next morning. Turkey was so beautiful. We stayed at the Agora Hostel and ate at Doy Doy, which was so delicious and affordable compared to surrounding restaurants. We each paid 10 TL for huge pizzas and drinks. The exchange rate was 1.69 TL to 1 USD, but still, we were spoiled by our 1500 TSH meals (which roughly equaled to 1 USD) in Africa. We spent the night on the roof overlooking the Blue Mosque and met two New Zealanders who went out to eat with us. The next morning we had the most amazing complimentary breakfast with hard boiled eggs, fresh bread, feta cheese, olives, tomatoes, cucumbers, granola, dried fig, cake, coffee, orange juice, and Greek yogurt. It was AMAZING and also a welcomed change to the delicious but repetitive Tanzanian food we had been eating for five weeks. We went to the famous Blue Mosque (free) and admired the stained glass and chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Across the street was the  Hagia Sophia (20 TL) to visit the beautiful and old architecture from the 530s. Then we went to the Basilica Cistern (10 TL), the underground water filtration system, of ancient Constantinople, before lunch. The waiter reminded me of a Turkish Diego Luna, so cute and charming as he kissed my hand when we left. After eating, we went to the Topkapi Palace (20 TL) to see the sword and cloak of the prophet Muhammed. There were also his hair, teeth, and a cast of his footprint. Moses's staff (though it looked like a replica), Abraham's turban, Joseph's sauce pan, and other amazingly historical objects were on display after we ooh'ed and ah'ed at the sultan's clothes and jewels. I can't imagine having a mini chest of emeralds for kicks like the one we saw. Everything was so ornate. Around 6, we left and searched for the Grand Bazaar for souvenirs though the stores were overpriced compared to street vendors. We met Hassan who later took us around and bought us pistachio baklava. Getting home from the restaurant where we had raki required walking for a long time (at least we saw the Waldorf Palace) and bartering with a taxi driver when we missed the last metro... but we made it home!

The Turkish Airlines flight was amazing with its complimentary socks, blanket, earplugs, toothbrush, wine and extensive entertainment selection. Lunch and dinner were so delicious with its fresh bread, yogurt, veggies, hummus, and dessert... best flight ever.
 ---
So in summary, I'm simply in reverse culture shock from this perfect summer with Savita, Manan, Swetha, Vishal, Chirag, Godfrey(s), Pascal, Obi, Lily, Gloria, Calvin, Innocent, Razaki (the cranky 20 month baby who only let me hold him when I had sweets)... and even Peter and Paul (the too cool for school boys, possibly wezis, who kept to themselves). Talk about separation anxiety... I could not have dreamed up a better way to spend the last real summer holiday of my life.

gray or blue

-jaymay

such a cute song.

...as I sit in Starbucks overlooking Madison Avenue's river that has formed as a result of the current downpour, I feel so at peace.

Last night, I greeted Rachel at Penn Plaza as she finished taking her GREs. We sat and talked for over an hour before walking around the city streets. Then we parted ways as I met up with Anjali, Meera, Karen, Liz and Emily at May's Sushi on 2nd Avenue and 7th Street. I had the color roll and avocado roll over lots of laughs and good conversation. Then around 9:30, Liz and I headed out to our respective upper sides of Manhattan. I got to Rachel's apartment and we watched Timers. We had the best time talking about life and love, especially when we were joined by Kathryn and Christina! It is amazing how things are so simple with some.

I woke up at 10:30 and had some Fiber One (caramel delight) with soy milk and some of the prunes I had in my bag. Then I headed downtown to meet up with Alexa for lunch at Momofuku's Ma Peche in midtown. It was DELICIOUS - we split the tofu summer rolls and I had the shrimp po boy on a French baguette with a light creamy sauce, topped with basil and cilantro. Then we had Starbuck's tiramisu cake pops for dessert. I have never been so satisfied with the quality of food - so fresh and tasty. Next stop, the Momofuku Ssam Bar when we are reunited in August (so close to checking them all off the list)!

I may stop by my old job and hang out with my old co-workers over a beer before going to potluck at my old apartment. I cannot wait to hang out with Emily, Meera, Liz, Karen, and my cousin Judy with special guests Derek and Joe from DMS haha. Then, maybe even have a throwback as we reminisce at Phebe's where we had gone during our old NYU days.

The rain stopped! It is time to go back out and take in the city...